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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame, boring losers who will be quietly milling around the snack table where he’s going to be laid out,” a source close to the shrimp reported, adding that the small ocean-dwelling decapod would likely become enraged if he were aware of the pitifully low turnout, the halting, awkward exchanges that will pass for conversation, and the grossly skewed male-to-female ratio at the uneventful and short-lived gathering of individuals where he will grow lukewarm alongside several of his fellow over-boiled crustaceans. “I can only imagine the horrified look on his face if he could hear all the sorry excuses that attendees will make about why they have to leave as he sits there curled over the edge of a bowl of runny cocktail sauce. Oh man, if he knew he was going to wind up in a room of barely a dozen people constantly checking their phones instead of interacting, he’d freak the fuck out.” At press time, sources were resolving not to inform the shrimp of his eventual fate, speculating that he might actually sink into a profound and debilitating depression if he had any idea that by 10 p.m. the music would be turned off and he would be getting dumped in the garbage.

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