adBlockCheck

Local

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Shrimp Would Be Pissed If He Could See The Lame Party He’s Going To Be Served At

MURRELLS INLET, SC—Saying the marine creature would be “annoyed as hell” if he knew, sources confirmed Friday that a shrimp currently inhabiting a local salt marsh would be completely pissed off if he were able to see the awful party he will one day be served at. “God, he’d be so mad if he knew about all the lame, boring losers who will be quietly milling around the snack table where he’s going to be laid out,” a source close to the shrimp reported, adding that the small ocean-dwelling decapod would likely become enraged if he were aware of the pitifully low turnout, the halting, awkward exchanges that will pass for conversation, and the grossly skewed male-to-female ratio at the uneventful and short-lived gathering of individuals where he will grow lukewarm alongside several of his fellow over-boiled crustaceans. “I can only imagine the horrified look on his face if he could hear all the sorry excuses that attendees will make about why they have to leave as he sits there curled over the edge of a bowl of runny cocktail sauce. Oh man, if he knew he was going to wind up in a room of barely a dozen people constantly checking their phones instead of interacting, he’d freak the fuck out.” At press time, sources were resolving not to inform the shrimp of his eventual fate, speculating that he might actually sink into a profound and debilitating depression if he had any idea that by 10 p.m. the music would be turned off and he would be getting dumped in the garbage.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close