Reporting Unexplained Drop In Traffic Since March

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Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2015

ARIES: Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2015

ARIES: Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead.

Highlights From ‘Go Set A Watchman’

Harper Lee’s buzzed-about new release, Go Set A Watchman, went on sale last week, taking the world by storm with its new investigations of Scout Finch as a grown woman and its divisive portrayal of her father, Atticus Finch, as a racist figure. Here are some highlights from the new book:

Leonardo DiCaprio Agrees To Donate It-Factor To Science

LOS ANGELES—Saying the gift would immeasurably improve their understanding of the ineffable quality that makes certain big-screen stars positively radiate, researchers at the University of California Los Angeles announced Tuesday that A-list actor Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to donate his it-factor to science.

How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Comic-Con Survival Guide

San Diego Comic-Con is expected to draw more than 130,000 fans to Southern California this year to participate in cosplaying, attend panels, go to film screenings, and learn more about their favorite series. Here are some tips for surviving the four-day conference

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Disney Unveils First Virgin Princess

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to better reflect the diverse backgrounds and experiences of their audience, Disney officials this week introduced Lily of Hazelberry, the company’s first virgin princess.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 23, 2015

ARIES: The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2015

ARIES: Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 “cross your heart and hope to die” pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Director Seeking Relatively Unknown Actress For Next Affair

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he’s going for a certain look and will know it when he sees it, feature film director Peter Hastings, 52, confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he hopes to find a relatively unknown actress for his next extramarital affair.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2015

ARIES: You’re not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity.

Famous Television Finales

The award-winning AMC series Mad Men ended its seven-season run on Sunday night and drew critical acclaim for its final episode, a conclusion that many felt was poignant and satisfying. Here are some other memorable TV finales across the years

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Fox Revives ‘X-Files’: What To Expect

After months of speculation, Fox has announced that it is bringing back its hit ’90s TV show The X-Files, about a team of FBI special agents investigating unsolved cases about strange and paranormal phenomena, for at least six new episodes...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2015

ARIES: Your belief that everything happens for a reason may remain unshaken in the face of personal tragedy, but you'll certainly be upset when you find out the reason is "to get the Zodiac some chicks." 

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2015

ARIES: As long as people don't look too long and the lights aren't too bright, no one will be able to see where they tried to fix your face from what will happen to it this coming Thursday. 

Nation Delighted As Many Famous People In Same Room Together

HOLLYWOOD—Expressing their immense personal satisfaction at the gathering appearing on their television screens, millions of Americans across the country were reportedly delighted Sunday night upon seeing many famous people in the same room together...

Half Of Hollywood Test Group Screened Placebo Film

LOS ANGELES—Saying the methodology helps them ensure unbiased results in their marketing research, studio executives at Paramount Pictures confirmed that during a Hollywood test screening this week they showed half of all theatergoers a placebo film...
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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song. Reporting Unexplained Drop In Traffic Since March

Administrators believe the drop in page hits may be due to the lack of interactive roll-over features.
Administrators believe the drop in page hits may be due to the lack of interactive roll-over features.

LOS ANGELES—Less than a year after its launch date, the official website for the film Shutter Island continues to experience a steady decline in visitors, a "baffling" trend that has persisted since March, employees reported Monday.

Perplexed insiders said that despite providing users with full-length theatrical trailers, a synopsis, a link to buy the music from the film, and the ability to share the site on social networking platforms like MySpace, Reddit, and Digg, daily traffic dipped last week to its lowest point in 2010.

"Frankly, we're at a loss to explain what's going on here," said site administrator Eric Walsh, poring over a report detailing September's dismal performance. "We've got all the same great reviews, cast and crew bios, and downloads that made so popular in the first place. What more do people want?"

"It's like one day they couldn't wait to unravel Shutter Island's haunting secret, and the next they'd completely lost interest," he added.

Web traffic reportedly saw a gradual but steady climb early this year, particularly when cast members began promoting the film in TV interviews. But on the evening of Friday, Feb. 19, without any warning, page views suddenly plateaued. A week later, they began to plummet.

According to sources, a second blow came in April as thousands of fans canceled their subscriptions to the site's newsletter, a weekly e-mail containing updates on the film's press, special events related to its release, and other Shutter Island–related occurrences.

Globally, the film's 24 international sites are said to have fared similarly, with interest in each peaking around one specific date before viewers began steadily trickling away.

"We looked into whether our visitors were using older browsers or hadn't updated to the latest version of Flash, but that didn't seem to be the problem," Walsh lamented. "It's possible some users didn't realize you can turn the sound effects on and off, or experience the site in full-screen mode, but I feel like we made those features pretty user-friendly."

Though remains committed to reaching as many people as possible and providing them with the latest Shutter Island news, attempts to stem the loss of traffic, including a prominent reminder that fans can now own the film on Blu-Ray and enjoy never-before-seen features, have so far proven unsuccessful.

"Management is breathing down my neck to boost page hits and I have no idea how we're supposed to do that," said promotions manager Brian Holop, acknowledging it was possible people had simply exhausted the site's supply of AOL Instant Messenger icons and desktop wallpapers. "I pitched a great idea for an interactive map that lets you explore Shutter Island, but they said we don't have the budget for it."

"Meanwhile, a friend of mine over at says business there has never been better," he continued. "Their numbers are through the roof, and that movie hasn't even come out yet."

Employees have reportedly begun asking difficult questions about's future. Some have openly wondered whether it's time to remove the once-popular Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese featurettes, which, sources conceded, have neither been e-mailed nor embedded in any blogs since April. Others have floated the idea of posting an interview with cast member Mark Ruffalo about how difficult it was to film in the rain.

"Maybe the Internet is changing, or maybe people aren't interested in staying up-to-date on one of the year's most thrilling blockbusters anymore," Holop said. "But the reality is, every site has its ups and downs, and this is probably just a small bump in the road."

Added Holop, "Either way, the 'Which Shutter Island Cast Member Are You?' quiz will surely turn things around."