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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample

BATON ROUGE, LA—Turning his gaze downward just in time to avoid eye contact, shy local man Carl Huskins narrowly avoided a gregarious product representative offering toothpicked morsels of teriyaki chicken at an area Rouses supermarket, sources confirmed Sunday. “Wow, that was close,” the awkward and visibly rattled 41-year-old said following the near-encounter, which reportedly caused him to pivot his shopping cart around abruptly so he could escape down the pet food aisle rather than risk social interaction with a stranger. “Thank God I got out of there. I would have been stuck struggling to make some kind of small talk and racking my brain for a way to end the exchange without sounding like a jerk. Now I just need to play it cool and act like I’m looking for something, even though I don’t actually need anything from this aisle.” According to reports, the sheepish man was later paralyzed with fear upon realizing the store had removed its self-checkout lines and he would be forced to interact with a human cashier.

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