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Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample

BATON ROUGE, LA—Turning his gaze downward just in time to avoid eye contact, shy local man Carl Huskins narrowly avoided a gregarious product representative offering toothpicked morsels of teriyaki chicken at an area Rouses supermarket, sources confirmed Sunday. “Wow, that was close,” the awkward and visibly rattled 41-year-old said following the near-encounter, which reportedly caused him to pivot his shopping cart around abruptly so he could escape down the pet food aisle rather than risk social interaction with a stranger. “Thank God I got out of there. I would have been stuck struggling to make some kind of small talk and racking my brain for a way to end the exchange without sounding like a jerk. Now I just need to play it cool and act like I’m looking for something, even though I don’t actually need anything from this aisle.” According to reports, the sheepish man was later paralyzed with fear upon realizing the store had removed its self-checkout lines and he would be forced to interact with a human cashier.

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