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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Shy Man Narrowly Evades Free Sample

BATON ROUGE, LA—Turning his gaze downward just in time to avoid eye contact, shy local man Carl Huskins narrowly avoided a gregarious product representative offering toothpicked morsels of teriyaki chicken at an area Rouses supermarket, sources confirmed Sunday. “Wow, that was close,” the awkward and visibly rattled 41-year-old said following the near-encounter, which reportedly caused him to pivot his shopping cart around abruptly so he could escape down the pet food aisle rather than risk social interaction with a stranger. “Thank God I got out of there. I would have been stuck struggling to make some kind of small talk and racking my brain for a way to end the exchange without sounding like a jerk. Now I just need to play it cool and act like I’m looking for something, even though I don’t actually need anything from this aisle.” According to reports, the sheepish man was later paralyzed with fear upon realizing the store had removed its self-checkout lines and he would be forced to interact with a human cashier.

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