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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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SI Investigation Reveals Oklahoma State An Awesome Place To Play Football

STILLWATER, OK—A shocking investigation published in this week’s Sports Illustrated shed light on Oklahoma State University’s alleged practice of plying its football players with sex, drugs, academic assistance, and cash payments in violation of NCAA rules, revealing that the college is an absolutely awesome place to play football. “We found by enabling recreational drug use, encouraging recruits to sign by offering free sex, and paying some players over $10,000 annually that OSU is a totally kickass place to play football,” said Sports Illustrated writer Thayer Evans, adding that the “amazing” Division I football program from 2000 to 2011 routinely provided “lucky-as-hell” athletes with “incredibly cool” illegal perks. “After discovering the typical OSU football player gets access to an unending supply of sex, drugs, and free money, all while the school provides a tutor to do your homework for you, only one thought came to my mind: ‘Ride ’em Cowboys!’” At press time, every single one of the nation’s top 300 high school football recruits had committed to OSU.

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