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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Siblings Patiently Waiting For Day They’ll Be Close To Each Other

CHARLOTTE, NC—Though they never formed a tight-knit bond as kids and still haven’t as adults, siblings Macy and Kyle Treadgold continue to wait patiently for the day they’ll finally grow close to each other, sources reported Thursday. “I thought it might happen when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman, because I figured the chance to hang out away from our parents would bring us closer together, but yeah, that didn’t happen,” said Kyle Treadgold, 31, whose sister Macy, 29, confirmed that despite saying “I love you” after their infrequent phone conversations, the siblings still feel no real connection at all. “Then when we were both in our twenties and living in the same city, I thought for sure we were finally at that age when we’d become friends. But somehow that didn’t pan out either. At this point, I think it may take a major family tragedy for us to form a lasting tie. We’ll probably have to wait until Mom or Dad dies.” According to a report suddenly received at press time, even that hasn’t managed to do it.

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