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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Siblings Patiently Waiting For Day They’ll Be Close To Each Other

CHARLOTTE, NC—Though they never formed a tight-knit bond as kids and still haven’t as adults, siblings Macy and Kyle Treadgold continue to wait patiently for the day they’ll finally grow close to each other, sources reported Thursday. “I thought it might happen when I was a senior in college and she was a freshman, because I figured the chance to hang out away from our parents would bring us closer together, but yeah, that didn’t happen,” said Kyle Treadgold, 31, whose sister Macy, 29, confirmed that despite saying “I love you” after their infrequent phone conversations, the siblings still feel no real connection at all. “Then when we were both in our twenties and living in the same city, I thought for sure we were finally at that age when we’d become friends. But somehow that didn’t pan out either. At this point, I think it may take a major family tragedy for us to form a lasting tie. We’ll probably have to wait until Mom or Dad dies.” According to a report suddenly received at press time, even that hasn’t managed to do it.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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