adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sidney Crosby's One-Goal, Two-Assist Performance Saves Hockey

PITTSBURGH—After a decades-long decline in fan interest that reached its nadir with the loss of an entire season to labor strife, the National Hockey League was rescued by the efforts of reigning MVP Sidney Crosby, whose goal and two assists against the New Jersey Devils restored the league to the heights of its former glory. "What a truly momentous day for the rejuvenation of the great sport of ice hockey," Commissioner Gary Bettman said of Crosby's transcendent performance in a point-grabbing overtime that brought the Penguins within striking distance of fourth place. "That second assist was a shining example of what this game can truly be—Crosby recognized the screen, found the open man with the angle, and displayed the awe-inspiring talent one associates with a Muhammad Ali or a Michael Jordan. Hockey is surely saved now." Bettman also acknowledged single-goal, two-assist performances from 13 other NHL players including Chris Chelios, Dany Heatley, and Todd White, but emphasized that, unlike Crosby, they had not saved the NHL.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close