adBlockCheck

Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again

Top Headlines

Local

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again

WASHINGTON—After a brief two-day reprieve from looking at them day in and day out, Americans across the nation were yet again forced to endure the sight of their coworkers’ stupid fucking faces as they entered the office Monday morning. “Yup, there they are—sitting there again with those big dumbfuck looks on their big dumbfuck faces,” said local claims adjuster Martin Barker, echoing the thoughts of millions of people who don’t particularly dislike their coworkers, per se, but really want to punch each one of them square in their fucking noses every single time they see them. “And now I suppose I’ll have to hear them open their annoying fuckface mouths and talk, talk, talk like a bunch of annoying fuckfaces while I try to get through the rest of my seemingly endless shitshow of a day. Fucking Christ.” At press time, millions of people across the nation were “really looking forward” to going home and having to look at their family members’ idiotic goddamned faces again too.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close