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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again

WASHINGTON—After a brief two-day reprieve from looking at them day in and day out, Americans across the nation were yet again forced to endure the sight of their coworkers’ stupid fucking faces as they entered the office Monday morning. “Yup, there they are—sitting there again with those big dumbfuck looks on their big dumbfuck faces,” said local claims adjuster Martin Barker, echoing the thoughts of millions of people who don’t particularly dislike their coworkers, per se, but really want to punch each one of them square in their fucking noses every single time they see them. “And now I suppose I’ll have to hear them open their annoying fuckface mouths and talk, talk, talk like a bunch of annoying fuckfaces while I try to get through the rest of my seemingly endless shitshow of a day. Fucking Christ.” At press time, millions of people across the nation were “really looking forward” to going home and having to look at their family members’ idiotic goddamned faces again too.

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