adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again

WASHINGTON—After a brief two-day reprieve from looking at them day in and day out, Americans across the nation were yet again forced to endure the sight of their coworkers’ stupid fucking faces as they entered the office Monday morning. “Yup, there they are—sitting there again with those big dumbfuck looks on their big dumbfuck faces,” said local claims adjuster Martin Barker, echoing the thoughts of millions of people who don’t particularly dislike their coworkers, per se, but really want to punch each one of them square in their fucking noses every single time they see them. “And now I suppose I’ll have to hear them open their annoying fuckface mouths and talk, talk, talk like a bunch of annoying fuckfaces while I try to get through the rest of my seemingly endless shitshow of a day. Fucking Christ.” At press time, millions of people across the nation were “really looking forward” to going home and having to look at their family members’ idiotic goddamned faces again too.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close