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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again

WASHINGTON—After a brief two-day reprieve from looking at them day in and day out, Americans across the nation were yet again forced to endure the sight of their coworkers’ stupid fucking faces as they entered the office Monday morning. “Yup, there they are—sitting there again with those big dumbfuck looks on their big dumbfuck faces,” said local claims adjuster Martin Barker, echoing the thoughts of millions of people who don’t particularly dislike their coworkers, per se, but really want to punch each one of them square in their fucking noses every single time they see them. “And now I suppose I’ll have to hear them open their annoying fuckface mouths and talk, talk, talk like a bunch of annoying fuckfaces while I try to get through the rest of my seemingly endless shitshow of a day. Fucking Christ.” At press time, millions of people across the nation were “really looking forward” to going home and having to look at their family members’ idiotic goddamned faces again too.

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