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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Sight Of Matt Millen On TV Simply Too Much For Nation’s Unemployed To Handle

BRISTOL, CT—The nation's 14 million unemployed persons experienced a combination of rage, disbelief, and near-suicidal depression after seeing former Lions CEO Matt Millen—long regarded as one of the most resoundingly incompetent failures in management history—working as a football analyst on Wednesday's SportsCenter.

"Matt Millen has a job?" said Brandon Martinelli of Potosi, WI, a three-time Grant County Teacher of the Year who was laid off in June after teaching high school art for 13 years. "Matt Millen, the laughingstock who screwed up the Lions for a decade, has a job—and it’s related to football? A job that is in fact to tell people how football should be played? While I helped dozens of underprivileged kids get scholarships to college and don't have a job at all? I just… There are no words. None."

In September 2008, Millen was fired as general manager of the Lions for drafting questionable talent, interfering with coaching decisions, siding with ineffective players over knowledgeable coaches, and scapegoating team personnel to the press instead of taking responsibility for his endless litany of mistakes. Meanwhile, across the United States, the jobless rate skyrocketed as employers laid off millions of workers—many of them, unlike Millen, efficient and highly skilled—in attempts to stay solvent.

In May 2009, a month in which the economy shed 345,00 jobs, ESPN announced it would be hiring Millen as a football analyst.

"I can't believe this guy got an interview, let alone got hired," said Bainridge, WA textile designer Cynthia Anderson, whose fabrics were considered among the field's best before the collapse of the domestic apparel industry in 2010. "What motivation do I have to go out there and apply for work while this dipshit is on national television?"

When approached for details, ESPN initially refused to comment on its hiring practices or reasons for employing Millen, who was a catastrophic failure at every level of football that did not involve tackling and is perhaps the man most synonymous with football-related ignorance in living memory. Sources at the network also refused to comment on the wisdom of showing the flagrantly employed Millen during broadcasts watched by many of the nation's jobless.

"Matt Millen has 35 years of football experience, including several as team president for the Detroit Lions," read an evidently unironic and nonsarcastic statement issued by ESPN late Thursday. "Millen has an informative and unique perspective on the game."

"Who else was in line for this position? Didn't anyone want it? I have nothing but questions," said out-of-work Detroit automotive engineer Ben Wojciechowski, who designed fuel-injection systems before being laid off in 2009, a year in which Millen was featured during the Super Bowl pregame show. "Does ESPN hate football? Do they hate their viewers? Because I know about 40 unemployed guys down at the sports bar who could do that job better than Matt Millen."

At press time, the 9.1 percent of the potential American workforce currently idle could not be reached for comment on the matter, as they were in shock at the news that Millen was being considered to replace the recently deceased Al Davis as general manager of the Oakland Raiders and were either talking to or on hold with the nation's remaining suicide counselors.

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