adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting

LAS VEGAS—As O.J. Simpson returns to court to seek a retrial on his 2008 robbery and kidnapping convictions, sources across the country told reporters today that the sight of the former football star is actually somewhat comforting at this point. “I can’t explain it, but after everything we’ve been through since the mid-’90s, seeing O.J. Simpson back in the courtroom is sort of nice—like, I actually found myself thinking, Oh, yeah, I miss that guy,” said local woman Linda Pasternack, 45, who, like the rest of the nation, expressed a profound sense of nostalgia for the notorious Simpson murder trial, which occurred many years prior to the September 11 attacks, the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, the collapse of the global economy, and dozens of deadly mass shootings. “Sure, he may be a murderer, but those were good times back then, you know? Clinton was in the White House, gas was $1.35/gallon, and the biggest thing in the world to worry about was whether some football player had killed his wife and her friend. And remember the Bronco chase? Christ, that’s an actual cherished memory of mine at this point.” At press time, sources nationwide issued an announcement to Simpson saying any time he wants to show up in the news again is “just fine” by them.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close