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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting

LAS VEGAS—As O.J. Simpson returns to court to seek a retrial on his 2008 robbery and kidnapping convictions, sources across the country told reporters today that the sight of the former football star is actually somewhat comforting at this point. “I can’t explain it, but after everything we’ve been through since the mid-’90s, seeing O.J. Simpson back in the courtroom is sort of nice—like, I actually found myself thinking, Oh, yeah, I miss that guy,” said local woman Linda Pasternack, 45, who, like the rest of the nation, expressed a profound sense of nostalgia for the notorious Simpson murder trial, which occurred many years prior to the September 11 attacks, the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, the collapse of the global economy, and dozens of deadly mass shootings. “Sure, he may be a murderer, but those were good times back then, you know? Clinton was in the White House, gas was $1.35/gallon, and the biggest thing in the world to worry about was whether some football player had killed his wife and her friend. And remember the Bronco chase? Christ, that’s an actual cherished memory of mine at this point.” At press time, sources nationwide issued an announcement to Simpson saying any time he wants to show up in the news again is “just fine” by them.

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