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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting

LAS VEGAS—As O.J. Simpson returns to court to seek a retrial on his 2008 robbery and kidnapping convictions, sources across the country told reporters today that the sight of the former football star is actually somewhat comforting at this point. “I can’t explain it, but after everything we’ve been through since the mid-’90s, seeing O.J. Simpson back in the courtroom is sort of nice—like, I actually found myself thinking, Oh, yeah, I miss that guy,” said local woman Linda Pasternack, 45, who, like the rest of the nation, expressed a profound sense of nostalgia for the notorious Simpson murder trial, which occurred many years prior to the September 11 attacks, the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, the collapse of the global economy, and dozens of deadly mass shootings. “Sure, he may be a murderer, but those were good times back then, you know? Clinton was in the White House, gas was $1.35/gallon, and the biggest thing in the world to worry about was whether some football player had killed his wife and her friend. And remember the Bronco chase? Christ, that’s an actual cherished memory of mine at this point.” At press time, sources nationwide issued an announcement to Simpson saying any time he wants to show up in the news again is “just fine” by them.

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