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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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Sight Of O.J. Simpson Actually Kind Of Comforting

LAS VEGAS—As O.J. Simpson returns to court to seek a retrial on his 2008 robbery and kidnapping convictions, sources across the country told reporters today that the sight of the former football star is actually somewhat comforting at this point. “I can’t explain it, but after everything we’ve been through since the mid-’90s, seeing O.J. Simpson back in the courtroom is sort of nice—like, I actually found myself thinking, Oh, yeah, I miss that guy,” said local woman Linda Pasternack, 45, who, like the rest of the nation, expressed a profound sense of nostalgia for the notorious Simpson murder trial, which occurred many years prior to the September 11 attacks, the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, the collapse of the global economy, and dozens of deadly mass shootings. “Sure, he may be a murderer, but those were good times back then, you know? Clinton was in the White House, gas was $1.35/gallon, and the biggest thing in the world to worry about was whether some football player had killed his wife and her friend. And remember the Bronco chase? Christ, that’s an actual cherished memory of mine at this point.” At press time, sources nationwide issued an announcement to Simpson saying any time he wants to show up in the news again is “just fine” by them.

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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