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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Signature Wedding Cocktail Provides Guests With Another Thing To Quietly Make Fun Of

BAY HARBOR, MI—Joining the venue, decorations, and first-dance song, a signature wedding cocktail served at the reception for newly married couple Jason Klein and Carrie Samuel reportedly provided guests Saturday with yet another thing to quietly make fun of. “Oh man, ‘Jason and Carrie’s Pearadise’—give me a fucking break,” said guest Brian Nelson of the wild-honey vodka and pear juice cocktail, shaking his head and pointing out to several other guests the framed printout at the bar that shared the pretentious backstory of how Klein impressed Samuel early in their relationship by making her maple-pear pancakes. “It says the cocktail perfectly captures Jason’s lively spirit and Carrie’s bubbling personality. Christ, someone’s gotta take a picture of this thing—that’s the dumbest shit ever.” At press time, every single person in the reception hall had found a new aspect of the wedding to privately mock when the best man started speaking about how everyone should be so lucky to find the kind of love Klein and Samuel have.

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