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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Signature Wedding Cocktail Provides Guests With Another Thing To Quietly Make Fun Of

BAY HARBOR, MI—Joining the venue, decorations, and first-dance song, a signature wedding cocktail served at the reception for newly married couple Jason Klein and Carrie Samuel reportedly provided guests Saturday with yet another thing to quietly make fun of. “Oh man, ‘Jason and Carrie’s Pearadise’—give me a fucking break,” said guest Brian Nelson of the wild-honey vodka and pear juice cocktail, shaking his head and pointing out to several other guests the framed printout at the bar that shared the pretentious backstory of how Klein impressed Samuel early in their relationship by making her maple-pear pancakes. “It says the cocktail perfectly captures Jason’s lively spirit and Carrie’s bubbling personality. Christ, someone’s gotta take a picture of this thing—that’s the dumbest shit ever.” At press time, every single person in the reception hall had found a new aspect of the wedding to privately mock when the best man started speaking about how everyone should be so lucky to find the kind of love Klein and Samuel have.

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