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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Signature Wedding Cocktail Provides Guests With Another Thing To Quietly Make Fun Of

BAY HARBOR, MI—Joining the venue, decorations, and first-dance song, a signature wedding cocktail served at the reception for newly married couple Jason Klein and Carrie Samuel reportedly provided guests Saturday with yet another thing to quietly make fun of. “Oh man, ‘Jason and Carrie’s Pearadise’—give me a fucking break,” said guest Brian Nelson of the wild-honey vodka and pear juice cocktail, shaking his head and pointing out to several other guests the framed printout at the bar that shared the pretentious backstory of how Klein impressed Samuel early in their relationship by making her maple-pear pancakes. “It says the cocktail perfectly captures Jason’s lively spirit and Carrie’s bubbling personality. Christ, someone’s gotta take a picture of this thing—that’s the dumbest shit ever.” At press time, every single person in the reception hall had found a new aspect of the wedding to privately mock when the best man started speaking about how everyone should be so lucky to find the kind of love Klein and Samuel have.

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