adBlockCheck

Silvio Berlusconi - I Think The Leader Of The World's 10th-Largest Economy Put Something In My Drink

Top Headlines

International

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Silvio Berlusconi - I Think The Leader Of The World's 10th-Largest Economy Put Something In My Drink

Italian Politician

"Come in," Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said as I was ushered by an assistant into his study. "I just opened this bottle of wine. Won't you join me for a glass?"

When the controversial Italian leader asked me to see him at his villa for this profile, I was, admittedly, a little overwhelmed. I had only graduated from journalism school six months earlier, and already I would be sitting down with one of the most powerful men in the world. But despite my trepidation, I began asking him about the many scandals dogging his tenure, from alleged mafia ties, to accusations of anti-Semitism, to rumors that he had hired a teenage prostitute.

"No," said Berlusconi, handing me a glass of Lambrusco that, ooh, is actually a really, really pretty red color. "Not now. The evening is so special."

Undaunted, I pressed him about recent remarks in which he deflected allegations of philandering by saying it was "better to be fond of pretty girls than to be gay." He simply smiled at me and…is it hot? I feel hot.

Reacting to his silence, I brought up his vast media empire, and asked whether Italy could truly be called a democracy when its leader controls a majority of the television and news outlets but I don't remember taking my shoes off.

Some have suggested Berlusconi entered politics only to enrich himself and his companies, and he has since become one of the 100 wealthiest men in the world. First elected in 1994, it's really getting spinny in here, wow, Berlusconi has allowed the country to suffer through garbage strikes, garbage strikes and…

This is really strong wine, Mr. Busconi. I haven't finished my glass, and already I'm very light-headed. Light-headed. Whoa, I wonder what my mom's doing right now. This is not, you have big hands, I have questions about the "bunga bunga" parties the prime minister held, the ongoing, there's, please. Let me catch my breath.

Mr. Merlusconi? Where are my shoes?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close