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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Silvio Berlusconi - I Think The Leader Of The World's 10th-Largest Economy Put Something In My Drink

Italian Politician

"Come in," Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi said as I was ushered by an assistant into his study. "I just opened this bottle of wine. Won't you join me for a glass?"

When the controversial Italian leader asked me to see him at his villa for this profile, I was, admittedly, a little overwhelmed. I had only graduated from journalism school six months earlier, and already I would be sitting down with one of the most powerful men in the world. But despite my trepidation, I began asking him about the many scandals dogging his tenure, from alleged mafia ties, to accusations of anti-Semitism, to rumors that he had hired a teenage prostitute.

"No," said Berlusconi, handing me a glass of Lambrusco that, ooh, is actually a really, really pretty red color. "Not now. The evening is so special."

Undaunted, I pressed him about recent remarks in which he deflected allegations of philandering by saying it was "better to be fond of pretty girls than to be gay." He simply smiled at me and…is it hot? I feel hot.

Reacting to his silence, I brought up his vast media empire, and asked whether Italy could truly be called a democracy when its leader controls a majority of the television and news outlets but I don't remember taking my shoes off.

Some have suggested Berlusconi entered politics only to enrich himself and his companies, and he has since become one of the 100 wealthiest men in the world. First elected in 1994, it's really getting spinny in here, wow, Berlusconi has allowed the country to suffer through garbage strikes, garbage strikes and…

This is really strong wine, Mr. Busconi. I haven't finished my glass, and already I'm very light-headed. Light-headed. Whoa, I wonder what my mom's doing right now. This is not, you have big hands, I have questions about the "bunga bunga" parties the prime minister held, the ongoing, there's, please. Let me catch my breath.

Mr. Merlusconi? Where are my shoes?

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