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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Silvio Berlusconi Swears Dancer Was Of Legal Age When He Paid Her For Sex Using State Money

ROME—Facing widespread criticism over his alleged sexual relationship with an underaged exotic dancer during his tenure as prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi on Tuesday assured the people of Italy that the woman in question was of legal age when he paid her for sex using the nation’s money. "Let me swear to you that these brazenly misappropriated state funds went toward financing my long-running sexual liaison with a call girl who was of full legal age throughout our affair," the career politician and media tycoon told reporters, adding that the exotic dancer with whom he had intercourse dozens of times during his time in office was "at least" 18 years old when she received thousands of euros in jewelry and air travel courtesy of Italy's depleted treasury. "Despite what my critics say, this sexual relationship made possible through considerable taxpayer financing was something that occurred between two consenting adults. This has been the case with every single one of my government-subsidized affairs, and the people of Italy know that." Berlusconi, who was forced out of office in 2011 over concerns about his ability to resuscitate Italy's stagnant economy amid a litany of embarrassing sex scandals, is expected to be fully forgiven by the Italian citizenry.

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