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Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary

MILAN, ITALY—Hours after being sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute and abusing his power, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was transferred today to the Genoan Women’s Correctional Facility, a steamy, sultry all-female penitentiary on the Italian Riviera. “We believe our prison will be the ideal environment for Mr. Berlusconi to serve his sentence and pay for the crimes he committed while in power,” said the prison’s warden, Isabella Santaro, 18, who added that Berlusconi would have to regularly contend with the prison’s thousands of scantily clad prisoners and guards, sweltering hot temperatures, and daily cell-block group showers. “This is a maximum-security facility, and while he is here, Mr. Berlusconi will spend the vast majority of his day locked down in a cage-like cell with two of our most notorious prisoners, the Sicilian lesbian robbery duo Sophia and Alexxxandra.” Santaro added that Berlusconi will be strongly and repeatedly punished by the prison’s staff at the first sign of “naughtiness.”

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