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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary

MILAN, ITALY—Hours after being sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute and abusing his power, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was transferred today to the Genoan Women’s Correctional Facility, a steamy, sultry all-female penitentiary on the Italian Riviera. “We believe our prison will be the ideal environment for Mr. Berlusconi to serve his sentence and pay for the crimes he committed while in power,” said the prison’s warden, Isabella Santaro, 18, who added that Berlusconi would have to regularly contend with the prison’s thousands of scantily clad prisoners and guards, sweltering hot temperatures, and daily cell-block group showers. “This is a maximum-security facility, and while he is here, Mr. Berlusconi will spend the vast majority of his day locked down in a cage-like cell with two of our most notorious prisoners, the Sicilian lesbian robbery duo Sophia and Alexxxandra.” Santaro added that Berlusconi will be strongly and repeatedly punished by the prison’s staff at the first sign of “naughtiness.”

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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