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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Silvio Berlusconi Transferred To Steamy All-Female Penitentiary

MILAN, ITALY—Hours after being sentenced to seven years in prison for having sex with an underage prostitute and abusing his power, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was transferred today to the Genoan Women’s Correctional Facility, a steamy, sultry all-female penitentiary on the Italian Riviera. “We believe our prison will be the ideal environment for Mr. Berlusconi to serve his sentence and pay for the crimes he committed while in power,” said the prison’s warden, Isabella Santaro, 18, who added that Berlusconi would have to regularly contend with the prison’s thousands of scantily clad prisoners and guards, sweltering hot temperatures, and daily cell-block group showers. “This is a maximum-security facility, and while he is here, Mr. Berlusconi will spend the vast majority of his day locked down in a cage-like cell with two of our most notorious prisoners, the Sicilian lesbian robbery duo Sophia and Alexxxandra.” Santaro added that Berlusconi will be strongly and repeatedly punished by the prison’s staff at the first sign of “naughtiness.”

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