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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Simple Task Of Going To Post Office Feels Like Weight Of 10,000 Boulders

STEVENS POINT, WI—After days of procrastination, the everyday errand of taking a small package to the post office bore down heavily upon 38-year-old Kevin Gunderson Tuesday, nearly crushing him with the weight of its tedium. The 12-ounce parcel—which Gunderson could have simply dropped in a mailbox had he known the required postage—encumbered his entire being, dragging his battered frame earthward as he stood in an endless line to return a pair of earphones to Amazon. "I hate going to the post office," Gunderson said while summoning the resolve to determine which delivery confirmation form he should fill out. "It always takes forever." Upon finally reaching his destination, Gunderson was dealt a crippling blow when he discovered new rates would require him to purchase an entire sheet of two-cent stamps in order to have the postage necessary to pay his electric bill.

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