adBlockCheck

Local

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Simple Task Of Going To Post Office Feels Like Weight Of 10,000 Boulders

STEVENS POINT, WI—After days of procrastination, the everyday errand of taking a small package to the post office bore down heavily upon 38-year-old Kevin Gunderson Tuesday, nearly crushing him with the weight of its tedium. The 12-ounce parcel—which Gunderson could have simply dropped in a mailbox had he known the required postage—encumbered his entire being, dragging his battered frame earthward as he stood in an endless line to return a pair of earphones to Amazon. "I hate going to the post office," Gunderson said while summoning the resolve to determine which delivery confirmation form he should fill out. "It always takes forever." Upon finally reaching his destination, Gunderson was dealt a crippling blow when he discovered new rates would require him to purchase an entire sheet of two-cent stamps in order to have the postage necessary to pay his electric bill.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close