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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Simple Task Of Going To Post Office Feels Like Weight Of 10,000 Boulders

STEVENS POINT, WI—After days of procrastination, the everyday errand of taking a small package to the post office bore down heavily upon 38-year-old Kevin Gunderson Tuesday, nearly crushing him with the weight of its tedium. The 12-ounce parcel—which Gunderson could have simply dropped in a mailbox had he known the required postage—encumbered his entire being, dragging his battered frame earthward as he stood in an endless line to return a pair of earphones to Amazon. "I hate going to the post office," Gunderson said while summoning the resolve to determine which delivery confirmation form he should fill out. "It always takes forever." Upon finally reaching his destination, Gunderson was dealt a crippling blow when he discovered new rates would require him to purchase an entire sheet of two-cent stamps in order to have the postage necessary to pay his electric bill.

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