adBlockCheck

Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Single Bee Sends Gathering Of Humans Into Helpless Panic

DALLAS—A western honeybee measuring barely one-quarter of an inch in length and weighing approximately .03 ounces triggered panic among a gathering of six fully-grown Homo sapiens during a picnic at Davis Park on Monday, witnesses reported.

"Where is it—where is it?" said 44-year-old general manager Charles Freid, who has been described by his coworkers and business rivals as  "ruthless," after the bee happened to fly in his general direction. "Get it off me! Is it on me?"

Dallas' Davis Park on Monday afternoon, still abandoned hours after the bee enounter. Inset: the bee.

"Jesus!" added Freid, screaming and flailing his arms as he raced to his car, got inside, and locked the doors.

The college-educated humans, all of whom are not allergic to bee-sting venom and possess both cerebral and muscular capacities several orders of magnitude beyond that of the insect, proceeded to retreat in abject fright from its half-millimeter stinger, which, when used, causes a twinge of discomfort followed by mild irritation and kills the bee.

According to entomologists at the University of Texas at Dallas, the Apis mellifera was most likely trying to pollinate a nearby cluster of dandelions and was not, as alleged by 50-year-old attorney Georgia Sakko, who has twice endured the pain of childbirth and successfully battled breast cancer, "out to get us."

"Don't make it angry—don't make it angry!" Sakko said. "Is it in my hair? I feel something in my hair. Somebody get it out. Get it out!"

Airline pilot Mike Grunwold, 49, who is approximately 1,224 times the size of the bee, said that he was "certain" the bee had landed on Sakko's back. Fiber tests on Sakko's clothing later found no traces of a bee's presence, but did reveal a small piece of lint and matted hair that may have resembled an insect at a distance and in certain lights.

Civil engineer, marathon runner, and Gulf War veteran Scott Fogel, 39, briefly attempted to use force against the bee's non-aggressive actions, waving it away with a paper plate. After accidently upending a container of potato salad, which caused the bee to suddenly swerve, Fogel leaped back several feet and dashed for cover behind a trash can.

"They're attracted to sweat," Fogel said. "It makes them want to kill. Just try to keep as far away from it as you can."

After the bee seemingly disappeared, the humans—members of a species that has crossed an Ice Age land bridge from Asia to North America, domesticated the wolf, built the pyramids, and landed a manned vehicle on the surface of the moon—walked cautiously back to the picnic area.

"I think it's gone," personal trainer Marcus Weller, 32, said. "Thank God."

A few seconds later, the bee emerged from an overturned Coke can, prompting the humans to scream and retreat once more. They opted not to return to the area, abandoning several hundred dollars' worth of food and picnicking equipment. The brutalized parkgoers characterized the day as "totally ruined."

The bee, which was reportedly never more than vaguely aware of the presence of other living organisms besides the blooming plants it sought, eventually returned to its hive without incident.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close