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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table

CHICAGO—Citing the upcoming lunch rush, Golden Griddle waitress Kathy Perry interrupted Derek Whamey's meal Monday to ask him—one of four diners in the restaurant—to move to a smaller table. "If nobody's gonna be joining you, hon, we'll just scoot you over to one of those little tables over there," Perry said as Whamey gathered his water, orange juice, and Diet Coke glasses to move them across the room. "You're alone, right? Okay, just let me know when you need the check." Whamey then continued to eat his meal alone.

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