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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table

CHICAGO—Citing the upcoming lunch rush, Golden Griddle waitress Kathy Perry interrupted Derek Whamey's meal Monday to ask him—one of four diners in the restaurant—to move to a smaller table. "If nobody's gonna be joining you, hon, we'll just scoot you over to one of those little tables over there," Perry said as Whamey gathered his water, orange juice, and Diet Coke glasses to move them across the room. "You're alone, right? Okay, just let me know when you need the check." Whamey then continued to eat his meal alone.

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