adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Single Diner In Empty Restaurant Asked To Move To Smaller Table

CHICAGO—Citing the upcoming lunch rush, Golden Griddle waitress Kathy Perry interrupted Derek Whamey's meal Monday to ask him—one of four diners in the restaurant—to move to a smaller table. "If nobody's gonna be joining you, hon, we'll just scoot you over to one of those little tables over there," Perry said as Whamey gathered his water, orange juice, and Diet Coke glasses to move them across the room. "You're alone, right? Okay, just let me know when you need the check." Whamey then continued to eat his meal alone.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close