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Politics

Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Single-Engine Cessna Crashes Into Bush

CAMP DAVID, MD—The Federal Aviation Administration said engine failure was to blame for a pilot losing control of a four-seater Cessna aircraft that crashed head-on into President Bush Thursday. According to the FAA report, the nose of the Cessna 350 impacted with the president's face at 110 mph, instantly killing pilot James Morris, 45. Bush reportedly suffered third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body, a broken spine, 20 shattered ribs, one collapsed lung, a basilar skull fracture, and minor leakage of cerebrospinal fluid. Bush, who had been hiking alone in an isolated region of the 125-acre presidential retreat before the accident, was trapped under the burning engine block for 45 minutes before rescue crews reached the crash site. While doctors said they worked swiftly to remove the smoldering wreckage from the president's body, much of the plane's burning debris had already fused to his skeleton before he could be airlifted from the scene. Bush is resting comfortably at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

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Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

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