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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move leaders hope will resolve the long-running conflict between the Serbs and ethnic Albanians, President Clinton deployed Marine Sgt. Brent Fitzsimmons to the 14th century Monday to assassinate Ottoman Sultan Murâd I.

Marine Brent Fitzsimmons, whose mission is to eliminate Ottoman Turk ruler Murâd I (left).

"Regrettably, all diplomatic efforts to end this crisis have failed," Clinton said. "At this point, we have no choice but to send a highly trained member of the U.S. Marine Corps back in time 600 years to take out the emperor at the root of this strife."

Addressing reporters at a Pentagon press conference, Defense Secretary William Cohen said Murâd I's unchecked aggression in the Balkans is to blame for much of the current situation.

"Sultan Murâd's 1389 victory at the Battle of Kosovo was the start of five centuries of Ottoman Turk rule in Serbia. In 1692, Serbs gradually began migrating from the province of Kosovo, polarizing the two ethnicities. When Ottoman rule finally ended in the early 1900s, Kosovo reverted to Serbian rule based on historical claims," Cohen said. "If we can just prevent the Sultan from launching his late-14th-century assault on Kosovo, there's an outside chance that Serbia and Kosovo will, over the centuries, evolve into fully autonomous, peacefully co-existing regions."

Added Cohen: "It's a long shot, but it's our best shot."

Ottoman Turk ruler

Fitzsimmons, 35, a Lincoln, NE, native and decorated Gulf War veteran, said he will do everything in his power to create an alternate historical universe in which Serbs and ethnic Albanians get along.

"NATO is counting on me. My country is counting on me. The people of Kosovo are counting on me," said Fitzsimmons, holding a flash-suppressed Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle with night-vision scope, moments before being transported to the Ottoman Era in a top-secret U.S. military time machine. "I will not let them down."

Despite expressing full confidence in the current mission, U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke conceded that the establishment of "a true, lasting peace" in the Balkans may require the elimination of other individuals, as well. Among those cited by Holbrooke: Bayezid II, Suleyman The Magnificent, Osmân II, Mehmed VI, Tito, Radovan Karadzic and Slobodan Milosevic, as well as anyone else who has ever lived in the region.

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