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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move leaders hope will resolve the long-running conflict between the Serbs and ethnic Albanians, President Clinton deployed Marine Sgt. Brent Fitzsimmons to the 14th century Monday to assassinate Ottoman Sultan Murâd I.

Marine Brent Fitzsimmons, whose mission is to eliminate Ottoman Turk ruler Murâd I (left).

"Regrettably, all diplomatic efforts to end this crisis have failed," Clinton said. "At this point, we have no choice but to send a highly trained member of the U.S. Marine Corps back in time 600 years to take out the emperor at the root of this strife."

Addressing reporters at a Pentagon press conference, Defense Secretary William Cohen said Murâd I's unchecked aggression in the Balkans is to blame for much of the current situation.

"Sultan Murâd's 1389 victory at the Battle of Kosovo was the start of five centuries of Ottoman Turk rule in Serbia. In 1692, Serbs gradually began migrating from the province of Kosovo, polarizing the two ethnicities. When Ottoman rule finally ended in the early 1900s, Kosovo reverted to Serbian rule based on historical claims," Cohen said. "If we can just prevent the Sultan from launching his late-14th-century assault on Kosovo, there's an outside chance that Serbia and Kosovo will, over the centuries, evolve into fully autonomous, peacefully co-existing regions."

Added Cohen: "It's a long shot, but it's our best shot."

Ottoman Turk ruler

Fitzsimmons, 35, a Lincoln, NE, native and decorated Gulf War veteran, said he will do everything in his power to create an alternate historical universe in which Serbs and ethnic Albanians get along.

"NATO is counting on me. My country is counting on me. The people of Kosovo are counting on me," said Fitzsimmons, holding a flash-suppressed Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle with night-vision scope, moments before being transported to the Ottoman Era in a top-secret U.S. military time machine. "I will not let them down."

Despite expressing full confidence in the current mission, U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke conceded that the establishment of "a true, lasting peace" in the Balkans may require the elimination of other individuals, as well. Among those cited by Holbrooke: Bayezid II, Suleyman The Magnificent, Osmân II, Mehmed VI, Tito, Radovan Karadzic and Slobodan Milosevic, as well as anyone else who has ever lived in the region.

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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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