adBlockCheck

Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis

Top Headlines

International

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Single Marine Sent Back In Time To Resolve Kosovo Crisis

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move leaders hope will resolve the long-running conflict between the Serbs and ethnic Albanians, President Clinton deployed Marine Sgt. Brent Fitzsimmons to the 14th century Monday to assassinate Ottoman Sultan Murâd I.

Marine Brent Fitzsimmons, whose mission is to eliminate Ottoman Turk ruler Murâd I (left).

"Regrettably, all diplomatic efforts to end this crisis have failed," Clinton said. "At this point, we have no choice but to send a highly trained member of the U.S. Marine Corps back in time 600 years to take out the emperor at the root of this strife."

Addressing reporters at a Pentagon press conference, Defense Secretary William Cohen said Murâd I's unchecked aggression in the Balkans is to blame for much of the current situation.

"Sultan Murâd's 1389 victory at the Battle of Kosovo was the start of five centuries of Ottoman Turk rule in Serbia. In 1692, Serbs gradually began migrating from the province of Kosovo, polarizing the two ethnicities. When Ottoman rule finally ended in the early 1900s, Kosovo reverted to Serbian rule based on historical claims," Cohen said. "If we can just prevent the Sultan from launching his late-14th-century assault on Kosovo, there's an outside chance that Serbia and Kosovo will, over the centuries, evolve into fully autonomous, peacefully co-existing regions."

Added Cohen: "It's a long shot, but it's our best shot."

Ottoman Turk ruler

Fitzsimmons, 35, a Lincoln, NE, native and decorated Gulf War veteran, said he will do everything in his power to create an alternate historical universe in which Serbs and ethnic Albanians get along.

"NATO is counting on me. My country is counting on me. The people of Kosovo are counting on me," said Fitzsimmons, holding a flash-suppressed Heckler & Koch PSG-1 sniper rifle with night-vision scope, moments before being transported to the Ottoman Era in a top-secret U.S. military time machine. "I will not let them down."

Despite expressing full confidence in the current mission, U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke conceded that the establishment of "a true, lasting peace" in the Balkans may require the elimination of other individuals, as well. Among those cited by Holbrooke: Bayezid II, Suleyman The Magnificent, Osmân II, Mehmed VI, Tito, Radovan Karadzic and Slobodan Milosevic, as well as anyone else who has ever lived in the region.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close