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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Single Most Replaceable Person In Company Will Walk If He Doesn’t Get Raise

WAUKEGAN, IL—Though he has limited skills and performs his job adequately at best, the single most replaceable person at Lucas Research Associates announced Monday that he will resign immediately if he does not receive the salary increase he has demanded. “I walked into [department supervisor Eric] Shaw’s office and told him I get a 10 percent raise or I’m out of here,” said Stanley Morgenstern, 37, who according to company sources holds a position that would immediately draw hundreds of equally qualified applicants were it to become vacant. “I am not bluffing. If they say no, that’s it—I’m gone.” At press time, reports confirmed that negotiations had ended with Morgenstern agreeing to stay on for two weeks in order to train his replacement.

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