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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday. “I can’t believe the nerve of some people, waking up before 5 a.m. each day to take the earlybird shift at a restaurant, then racing across town to drop her children off at school before selfishly putting in a full day at another job,” Amos Waltham resentfully said of Paulings, adding that the shamelessly self-absorbed woman was also eager to pick up extra shifts wherever she could. “What about the rest of us? How are we supposed to find a steady source of income while she’s collecting two separate paychecks and racking up as many as 80 hours a week? Some jerks only think of themselves and their three kids.” Most irritating of all, Waltham noted, is that in addition to Paulings taking two jobs, her selfish children were also living it up by enjoying free government-subsidized breakfasts at school every day.

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