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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday. “I can’t believe the nerve of some people, waking up before 5 a.m. each day to take the earlybird shift at a restaurant, then racing across town to drop her children off at school before selfishly putting in a full day at another job,” Amos Waltham resentfully said of Paulings, adding that the shamelessly self-absorbed woman was also eager to pick up extra shifts wherever she could. “What about the rest of us? How are we supposed to find a steady source of income while she’s collecting two separate paychecks and racking up as many as 80 hours a week? Some jerks only think of themselves and their three kids.” Most irritating of all, Waltham noted, is that in addition to Paulings taking two jobs, her selfish children were also living it up by enjoying free government-subsidized breakfasts at school every day.

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