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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday. “I can’t believe the nerve of some people, waking up before 5 a.m. each day to take the earlybird shift at a restaurant, then racing across town to drop her children off at school before selfishly putting in a full day at another job,” Amos Waltham resentfully said of Paulings, adding that the shamelessly self-absorbed woman was also eager to pick up extra shifts wherever she could. “What about the rest of us? How are we supposed to find a steady source of income while she’s collecting two separate paychecks and racking up as many as 80 hours a week? Some jerks only think of themselves and their three kids.” Most irritating of all, Waltham noted, is that in addition to Paulings taking two jobs, her selfish children were also living it up by enjoying free government-subsidized breakfasts at school every day.

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