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Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

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Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
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Single Mother Hogging 2 Jobs

INDIANAPOLIS—Between her regular employment cleaning homes and side work waitressing at Perkins on mornings and weekends, 35-year-old single mother Janice Paulings is greedily hogging two jobs all to herself, outraged sources reported Monday. “I can’t believe the nerve of some people, waking up before 5 a.m. each day to take the earlybird shift at a restaurant, then racing across town to drop her children off at school before selfishly putting in a full day at another job,” Amos Waltham resentfully said of Paulings, adding that the shamelessly self-absorbed woman was also eager to pick up extra shifts wherever she could. “What about the rest of us? How are we supposed to find a steady source of income while she’s collecting two separate paychecks and racking up as many as 80 hours a week? Some jerks only think of themselves and their three kids.” Most irritating of all, Waltham noted, is that in addition to Paulings taking two jobs, her selfish children were also living it up by enjoying free government-subsidized breakfasts at school every day.

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