After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Single Parent Wishes She Had Thought Of Abandoning Child First

HERKIMER, NY—Following the unannounced departure of live-in boyfriend and father of her 2-year-old son, Joseph, Kelly Sperino, 22, told reporters Tuesday she was "absolutely devastated" that she had not come up with the idea of walking out on the responsibility of raising the toddler herself. "To leave your child, to walk out on your own flesh and blood—why didn't I think of that?" the unwed mother asked as she perused the classified ads in search of a second job. "It would have been so easy to say I was going to get a pack of cigarettes and then never come back. I could just kick myself." Sperino added that she was equally impressed that Joseph's father had the presence of mind to clean out the couple's joint bank account before skipping town.

After Birth

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