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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Singles Bar Contains Single Woman

CLEARWATER, FL–J.P. McQuade's, a popular Clearwater-area singles bar, contained a single woman Saturday night. "Talk about a sausage-fest," said Dave Hereford, one of the approximately 170 men who patronized the bar along with the lone female, 29-year-old St. Petersburg office manager Jennifer Doering. "I've never seen so many dudes crowded around just one chick." The single woman received 137 offers to go someplace a little more quiet.

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