Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?
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Race Relations

Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—The Irish Republican Army announced Monday that it will embark on the most aggressive campaign of violence in its history if McDonald's Shamrock Shakes are not made available year-round.

Gerry Adams, leader of IRA political wing Sinn Fein, wants the British to grant Northern Ireland year-round access to minty, delicious Shamrock Shakes.

"The Shamrock Shake is a frosty, minty symbol of all that we hold dear," said Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein, the IRA's political wing. "It is shameful that we as a people cannot enjoy this proud, symbolic beverage any more than one week a year."

"Unless the British government loosens its iron grip on this most Irish of shakes," Adams continued, "the streets will once again run red with English blood."

British Prime Minister John Major refused to give in to the IRA demands. "The extremist threats of these people are unconscionable," Major said in an impassioned speech before Parliament. "The Shamrock Shake is only avaliable for a limited time."

"Having to endure this appalling shake once a year is bad enough," House of Lords member Edward Shropshire-Fentwick said. "It will be a black day in England indeed when the Irish masses are free to have their barbaric shake whenever and wherever they want it."

In addition to year-round Shamrock Shake availability, the IRA called for the immediate release of the infamous "Shake Seven." Imprisoned since 1983 in connection with the bombing of a McDonald's Anglican Apple shake-mix factory in Manchester, the radical Shamrock Shake activists maintain their innocence to this day.

"If fighting on behalf of what one believes in is a crime, then let us all hang," said Liam O'Fachna, the group's leader, from his cell in Birmingham Jail. "Shamrock Shakes forever."

The IRA also demanded that the delicious, Irish-Catholic-themed shakes be available at all restaurants, not just at participating McDonald's. "No single restaurant chain should have control over our delicious, frosty heritage," Adams said.

Though a connection has not been confirmed, Monday's IRA announcement coincided with an explosion at a British bank in Long Strand, an East Belfast enclave of Protestant vanilla-shake drinkers. In addition, a truck carrying Alpine Raspberry shake mix—McDonald's next scheduled specialty flavor—was overturned in the Ardoyne neighborhood of Belfast.

In a videotaped statement from an IRA safehouse somewhere near Belfast, Uncle O'Grimacey, the most radical member of the Grimace family, demanded the immediate loosening of Shamrock Shake restrictions throughout Northern Ireland. "Release the shakes to us at once," O'Grimacey said, "or the lives of your children will be forfeit."

McDonald's shake representative Grimace was quick to distance himself from his IRA-member uncle. "All shakes in their time is my watchword, and certain flavors all year," Grimace said. "O'Grimacey is a radical Grimace acting without the approval of the McDonald's corporation."

The Shamrock Shake was banned in Northern Ireland until 1920, when Parliament finally voted to allow its consumption once a year, during the week of St. Patrick's Day. Between 1968 and 1994, more than 3,000 were killed in shake-related violence, including some 350 deaths during the "Minty March" Riots of 1974.

According to Irish legend, the Shamrock Shake first appeared when a statue of the Virgin Mary in front of St. Matthew's Cathedral in Belfast cried a 16-ounce quantity of the green beverage in 1605.

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