adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Sitting Inside Cardboard Box The Safest 6-Year-Old Will Feel For Remainder Of Life

TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of his life. “Countdown to blastoff,” said the child, who reportedly will not experience a greater sense of security, comfort, or self-assuredness during the next seven decades than he does right now sitting cross-legged between the crayon-covered corrugated walls of his pretend spaceship. “Hold on tight. Let’s explore outer space..” At press time, Wolfe’s father was reportedly tossing the flattened cardboard box into the recycling.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close