Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid

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Vol 40 Issue 06

That Guy From That One Show In Rehab

GLENDALE, CA—According to nurses at the Rosewater Rehabilitation Clinic, that guy who used to play the fat guy on that one show was admitted Monday for treatment of alcohol abuse and depression. "He looked exactly like he did on that one show, except a bit older and fatter," nurse Christina Prenz told reporters. "I asked him to do that thing he always used to do, but he just stared at me. Then he started crying." Prenz added that, during their group therapy session, she plans to ask him why the show was cancelled.

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NEW HAVEN, CT—Police announced Monday that the accidental death of 68-year-old Joseph Lang increased the death toll at 320 E. Oak St. to a staggering one. "We retrieved Mr. Lang's body from his bathtub, where it appears he slipped and hit his head," police officer Chris Ramsey said. "Although we don't expect to find any additional victims, we're continuing our 48-hour search of the two-story home, just in case." Lang is survived by his wife Helen, who still resides in the deathtrap.

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SAN FRANCISCO—GreenWay Airlines, a new low-cost, cooperative airline, offers inexpensive fares to passengers who assist with the flight, an airline spokesman said Monday. "Unlike pricey corporate airlines, GreenWay is run by and for the people," said Brad Olson, a member of the GreenWay elected board. "But, in order to keep our ticket prices low, everyone who wants to fly with us needs to pitch in and help us navigate and maintain the aircraft. All positions, from baggage handler to pilot, will be filled by volunteers who sign up for four-hour shifts." GreenWay will begin taking reservations for daily flights between San Francisco and Austin, TX, as soon as someone can figure out how to use the booking software.

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TEHRAN—As the Feb. 20 parliamentary election approaches, hard-line conservative religious radicals and fundamentalist Islamic extremists are stepping up their disparate campaigns. "It's up to the people: Does the future of Iran lie in the hands of the far-right extremists or the far-far-right radicals?" said Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati, head of the hard-line Guardian Council that recently banned thousands of moderate candidates from the election. "Will the old-school clerics win, or is the country ready for a new stripe of fundamentalists who will take authoritarianism in an entirely different direction?" Jannati urged all of Iran's citizens to get out and make their votes count.

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Six Dead In West Point Panty Raid

WEST POINT, NY—According to an official statement released by the U.S. Military Academy Tuesday, six cadets are dead and 14 wounded after an unsuccessful panty raid on the women's barracks Monday night.

The human cost of the panty raid.

The USMA has not yet released the names of the fallen cadets, but according to the statement, the four male and two female cadets will be posthumously promoted to platoon commander and buried with full military honors.

Company Commander Roger Phillips, a junior at the academy, was among the injured. Currently in a full-body cast, he fell from a third-story window after he was wounded by a bayonet thrust in the tomfoolery.

"A bunch of us were goofing around after lights-out, and we started daring each other to sneak into Bartlett Hall and steal some of the girls' underwear," Phillips said. "I guess, as a result of our training, we just can't help but think strategically. Before we knew it, the whole panty raid had somehow turned into a meticulously planned 16-man undergarment-acquisition mission and reconnaissance force."

According to sources within the academy, male cadets crossed the borders of "women's country" at 2115 hours Monday for a carefully coordinated prank strike on Room 245's personal-underclothes storage facilities. The female cadets, alerted to the coming attack by unsuppressed laughter, were able to put up a solid defense. Before the raiding party reached panty-lock-on range, the female cadets laid down a curtain of machine-gun fire and fell into defensive positions inside their barracks.

"We met with an unexpectedly high level of resistance and spunkiness from the female cadets," Phillips said. "The women engaged us with close-quarters skirmish tactics, and we were forced to drop smoke charges to cover our retreat. We withdrew, pantyless, to an adjoining hall, where we were able to regroup."

"I take full responsibility for the hijinks-related combat fatalities," he added.

Phillips noted that the female cadets' resistance was in the "finest tradition of the service."

The women's accounts confirm Phillips' description of the incident.

"They neutralized our sentry early, through sheer numbers," said Battalion Leader Joanna Russell, who received the Purple Heart, the Bronze Star, and 10 demerits for her part in repelling the panty raiders. "But once we had beaten back the first wave with small-arms fire and consolidated our strength around the footlockers, it was only a matter of waiting them out. We knew they'd be back, primarily because they hadn't gotten to the panties yet, but also because they'd left [sophomore] Bernie [Holman] gut-shot and bleeding in the hallway. The boys may be a bunch of immature idiots, but they'd never leave a downed man behind."

Police examine a piece of evidence.

After placing a sniper-and-spotter team atop the bunk closest to the door, Russell moved to collect the contested panties and place demolition charges among them, in order to prevent their capture and public display, as per standard enemy procedure.

Before the female cadets could retaliate, West Point administrators were alerted to the strategic prank-in-progress by the sound of artillery being moved into a flanking position along the women's barracks. Administrators quickly put a stop to the panty raid by turning on all the lights.

West Point officials released a statement asserting that "unfortunate situations inevitably arise when the heady experience of college life combines with hundreds of hours of field training in tactics and weapons."

"I do not condone the actions of these cadets, and I assure you that the academy board will officially investigate the matter and assign demerits or extra credit as is appropriate," said Lt. Gen. William J. Lennox Jr., West Point's superintendent. "However, as a graduate myself, I know what it's like to be young, highly trained, and away from home for the first time. These young people are just full of youthful exuberance and superior military know-how."

The incident marks the academy's worst horseplay-related incident since the homecoming float competition before the 2002 Army-Navy game. Three gaily decorated and heavily armed parade floats were destroyed in the pep rally, and the academy's famous library was badly damaged by incendiary shells in the confrontation, which claimed the lives of seven West Point cadets, 14 Naval Academy midshipmen, and the Navy goat.

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