Six Flags Employee Sick Of Talking Visitors Down From Bad Acid Trips

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Six Flags Employee Sick Of Talking Visitors Down From Bad Acid Trips

Ride operator Mark Griffin says convincing a wild-eyed man that Superman isn’t going to murder him is a regular feature of his workday.
Ride operator Mark Griffin says convincing a wild-eyed man that Superman isn’t going to murder him is a regular feature of his workday.

GURNEE, IL—Expressing frustration at the frequency with which he is required to guide people through their darkest moments of drug-induced psychosis, Six Flags Great America employee Mark Griffin told reporters Monday that he is sick and tired of talking park visitors down from their bad acid trips.

“I don’t mind working here for the most part, but constantly having to convince paranoid, hallucinating customers that they aren’t going to die is getting a little old,” said Griffin, 31, who reportedly spends a significant portion of his workday comforting Six Flags visitors wracked by the anxiety and terror often brought on by the hallucinogen LSD. “Today I had to shut down the Krazy Kups because this tweaker had wriggled out of his seat and was howling at the top of his lungs every time I tried to approach him. It took me nearly an hour to convince him he wouldn’t be electrocuted if he took my hand.”

“I have to deal with this shit, like, multiple times a day,” Griffin continued.

Griffin, who has worked as a ride operator at Six Flags’ Gurnee location for the past three years, told reporters this week that assisting guests who are suffering from the adverse effects of having dropped blotter acid before entering the park has regrettably become one of the primary functions of his job. In the past 24 hours alone, Griffin says he has had to persuade a pair of panicked Batman: The Ride passengers that the stalled roller coaster won’t carry them to hell, as well as convince a teenage girl weeping in the Cold Stone Creamery that she isn’t covered in blood.

Griffin earns $9.50 per hour.

“Nowadays, I wait by the park entrance and keep an eye out for anyone laughing maniacally to themselves or staring intently at their fingers—at that point, I can already tell I’ll be pleading with them to come down from the Looney Tunes character meet-and-greet stage before the day’s up,” said Griffin, pegging the average number of LSD-addled guests he tends to on a given day at anywhere from 10 to 15. “And it can be dangerous. Yesterday, I fucked up my back dragging this fully clothed guy out of Monsoon Lagoon before he could drown himself. He kept saying that his twin had escaped and was floating under him, whatever that means.”

“None of this is part of my job description, by the way,” Griffin added. “And it wasn’t mentioned once during orientation.”

However, the Six Flags staffer admitted that, after having been forced on dozens of occasions to cradle a park guest in his arms while soothingly whispering “I’m here” for hours at a time, he is no longer fazed by the challenges presented by his job, even when he has to scale the steel latticework supporting Dare Devil Dive in order to talk down a delirious visitor convinced that the ground is melting.

“It’s not always a total nightmare,” said Griffin, while sweeping up the remains of a stuffed animal torn to shreds by an incoherent, frightened guest. “Some days you only have to gently ask a few acid heads to stop stroking the guy in the Scooby costume outside the Scooby Doo’s Mystery Machine ride. Other days you have to escort a sweaty dancing guy wearing nothing but an Allman Brothers T-shirt away from the Splish Splash Zone and out of the park. Either way, they’re usually harmless, so you just roll up your sleeves and deal with it.”

“And bring a change of clothes,” he added, “because there’s gonna be some vomit.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close