Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots

Top Headlines

Local

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Six-Hour Bus Ride Endured For Slots

I-95, NJ—Baltimore resident Gary Drake, 53, endured a six-hour bus ride from Baltimore to Atlantic City Tuesday, drawn by the prospect of feeding coins into a slot machine at a dimly lit casino.

Drake and the bus he rode to Atlantic City.

"Man, my back is killing me," Drake said, shifting in his window seat near the back of an eastbound Coastal Tours bus. "Maybe I'm getting a little old for this. Well, just a few more hours, and I'll be sitting in front of the slots in a nice cool casino. When I get there, no one better be in my favorite spot, right next to the cashiers."

Drake boarded the bus at 2:30 p.m., expecting to arrive at the Oasis Casino at approximately 7. However, a semi truck carrying lumber jackknifed during rush hour, causing a substantial traffic slowdown.

After lodging his coat between his lower back and his seat, Drake practiced for his night of recreational gambling on a handheld electronic poker machine. When the batteries on his machine died, Drake looked over the shoulder of the bus rider in front of him, who was playing a handheld electronic blackjack game.

"I got the casino figured out," Drake said. "If I don't win at a machine in the first 15 minutes, I know that slot is cold, so I move to another one. But if I do hit, I know that one's hot, so I'll sit there for eight, nine hours, until I need to get back to the bus again. Or until I run out of money. Oh, and I always use a warm coin."

The slot machines Drake will play generally have a payback rate of about 90 percent, meaning he has a 1-in-10 chance of breaking even if, on the off chance he does win, he stops gambling.

Approximately three hours outside of Atlantic City, the air conditioning system on the bus stopped working. Although Drake was irritated by the climate change, as were the many toddlers on the bus, he remained focused on his journey's end.

"When I get there, I gotta warm up first," Drake said. "I've got a whole routine. First, I play the nickel slots, like that American Bandstand one. Once I got my mojo working, I move up to the quarter slots, or maybe even the dollar slots if I feel like I'm on fire. Never stay on the nickel slots, though. Those are for grannies. You're wasting your time on those."

"Some guys like racing motorcycles," he added. "Me, I get that same thrill from watching the wheels go around on the slots."

When the bus pulled into a gas station outside of Wilmington, DE to pick up 11 waiting passengers, many riders disembarked to use the restrooms. At this time, Drake purchased nachos, a lemonade-flavored soda, and a hot dog with relish. Returning to the bus with 30 seconds to spare, he balanced the two grease-soaked plates on his knees and ate his meal.

"I wish they had women to bring you drinks on this bus, like they do at the casino," Drake joked, lifting his soda from the garbage-covered bus floor and taking a sip. "They don't make you pay nothing for them, and some of the younger women look real fine in those skirts."

Drake has taken the bus to Atlantic City at least 20 times, he told a man with a yellow-stained bandage over one eye.

Various bus passengers survey the slots at the Oasis.

"One time, I won $800 at a slot machine with my last dollar," Drake said. "That must've been about 1988, 'cause I remember that my second wife Denise was with me."

Added Drake: "I can't stand sitting around the house all the time. I love the nightlife."

The bus was scheduled to arrive in time for passengers to catch one of four performances by Sax Appeal, a keyboard-and-sax duo that plays the Oasis lounge every Tuesday night.

About 45 miles from its destination, the bus pulled into a rest stop to admit six more people, including one on crutches who sat down next to Drake and promptly removed a paper-bag-covered bottle from her jacket.

"When I'm gambling, I always drink the hard stuff," Drake told her. "You have to get up too much when you drink beer. One time, I had to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, someone had won $15 at my machine. If I'm feeling lucky, I hate to rise from my stool until I have to get back on the bus in the morning."

With that statement, Drake climbed over his seat-mate's duffel bags, lurched to the back of the bus, and opened the bathroom door, releasing a pungent draft of chemicals and stale urine throughout the bus.

Upon his return, Drake was in good spirits.

"Do you feel that?" he said, as the tangle of overpass highways and low-slung budget hotels on the outskirts of Atlantic City came into view. "I get that feeling every time I see the lights. It's electric. In a few minutes, I'll be off this bus. After I walk the half-mile over to the Oasis, I'm gonna win big-time! Then those guys from the electric company can kiss my ass when I roll back into Baltimore and hand them my check."