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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party Hampered By 85,000 Gallons of Combustible Fuel Oil

ERIE, PA—There was nothing left below the knees of three party-goers yesterday, as 85,000 gallons of combustible fuel oil gushed through the living room of 6-year-old Kenny Dodds, scorching everything in its path.

According to his mother, Kenny Dodds (center) had a wonderful time at his birthday party, but was still "somewhat disappointed" that a massive petrochemical explosion occurred just moments before cake was to be cut.

"Kenny had a wonderful time," said his mother, Diane Dodds, speaking from her bed in the intensive care burn ward at Erie County Medical Center. "Nevertheless, I don't think he can help feeling that the party could have been better. He's very sensitive that way."

The birthday party, which included "pin the tail on the donkey," prizes for all of Kenny's guests, and a surprise appearance by Bilbo the Funtime Clown, was going smoothly, showing no signs of interruption by a massive flow of highly flammable petrochemicals until just before cake was to be served.

"I smelled a chemical, burning smell," said Jeanette Frederickson, a neighbor who attended the party with her daughter Ashley. "Then this tidal wave of burning, toxic liquid just burst through the front door, pouring through the windows, literally vaporizing everything within a couple feet of the ground. I don't want to say it ruined the party, but, well, things just weren't really the same after that."

Midtown Clowns, from whom the Doddses contracted Bilbo for the party, said it has seen a lot during its 30 years of party clown-providing, but combustible fuel oil was never more than an inconvenience.

"Sure, we've had our problems with fuel oil," said Maury Friedman, senior dispatcher at Midtown Clowns. "It's terrible stuff. If it doesn't catch fire, it will still ruin your upholstery. And ingesting it, well, that's a whole other story."

The precise volume of the spill is believed to be 85,550 gallons, making it the largest ever to occur at a birthday party, surpassing the 1972 Melissa Tilly Eighth Birthday mishap by some 3,000 gallons.

"It'll be nice to get out of the hospital," said Diane Dodds, "but I'm not looking forward to cleaning up that mess. I've got Yvonne and Karen coming over for coffee Sunday, and Yvonne is such a snoop I just know she'll be asking all kinds of questions about the missing walls, my missing legs and the unmarked semi-tanker in my rose bushes."

When asked to comment on what happened at his birthday party, Kenny burst into tears and jumped up and down on the spot where his bed once stood, screaming, "I wanted a pony! I wanted a pony!"

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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