adBlockCheck

Local

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
End Of Section
  • More News

Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party Hampered By 85,000 Gallons of Combustible Fuel Oil

ERIE, PA—There was nothing left below the knees of three party-goers yesterday, as 85,000 gallons of combustible fuel oil gushed through the living room of 6-year-old Kenny Dodds, scorching everything in its path.

According to his mother, Kenny Dodds (center) had a wonderful time at his birthday party, but was still "somewhat disappointed" that a massive petrochemical explosion occurred just moments before cake was to be cut.

"Kenny had a wonderful time," said his mother, Diane Dodds, speaking from her bed in the intensive care burn ward at Erie County Medical Center. "Nevertheless, I don't think he can help feeling that the party could have been better. He's very sensitive that way."

The birthday party, which included "pin the tail on the donkey," prizes for all of Kenny's guests, and a surprise appearance by Bilbo the Funtime Clown, was going smoothly, showing no signs of interruption by a massive flow of highly flammable petrochemicals until just before cake was to be served.

"I smelled a chemical, burning smell," said Jeanette Frederickson, a neighbor who attended the party with her daughter Ashley. "Then this tidal wave of burning, toxic liquid just burst through the front door, pouring through the windows, literally vaporizing everything within a couple feet of the ground. I don't want to say it ruined the party, but, well, things just weren't really the same after that."

Midtown Clowns, from whom the Doddses contracted Bilbo for the party, said it has seen a lot during its 30 years of party clown-providing, but combustible fuel oil was never more than an inconvenience.

"Sure, we've had our problems with fuel oil," said Maury Friedman, senior dispatcher at Midtown Clowns. "It's terrible stuff. If it doesn't catch fire, it will still ruin your upholstery. And ingesting it, well, that's a whole other story."

The precise volume of the spill is believed to be 85,550 gallons, making it the largest ever to occur at a birthday party, surpassing the 1972 Melissa Tilly Eighth Birthday mishap by some 3,000 gallons.

"It'll be nice to get out of the hospital," said Diane Dodds, "but I'm not looking forward to cleaning up that mess. I've got Yvonne and Karen coming over for coffee Sunday, and Yvonne is such a snoop I just know she'll be asking all kinds of questions about the missing walls, my missing legs and the unmarked semi-tanker in my rose bushes."

When asked to comment on what happened at his birthday party, Kenny burst into tears and jumped up and down on the spot where his bed once stood, screaming, "I wanted a pony! I wanted a pony!"

More from this section

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close