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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker

ALTUN HA, BELIZE—Archaeologists discovered an obsidian locker containing the skeleton of an ancient Mayan nerd, believed to have been forced into his locker circa 800 B.C. "The skeleton is remarkably well-preserved and displays great technological—but not social—sophistication," Dr. Forrest Clayton said. "The orthodontic headgear is still attached to the skull, as are the glasses, which were rimmed with antelope horn." Clayton said he believes that the clothing worn by the ancient nerd, specifically a short-sleeved garment featuring the visage of Mayan sun deity Kinich Ahau, was most likely picked out by the youth's mother.

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