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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Skilled Sotheby’s Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million

NEW YORK—Realizing too late the grave mistake he had made while absentmindedly running through bids during an estate sale, skilled Sotheby’s auctioneer Malcolm Carpio accidentally sold himself for $2.5 million, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh god, what have I done?” said Carpio, who started the sale of his own person at $800,000 and took multiple bids before declaring the man in the striped shirt sitting at the back the winner. “No, no, no! Cancel that! I am not an item! Please don’t—let go of me!” At press time, Carpio had been dusted off by white-gloved attendants and packed into a crate stamped “Fragile,” and was reportedly en route to Malibu to be displayed in entertainment magnate David Geffen’s private collection.

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