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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Skilled Sotheby’s Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million

NEW YORK—Realizing too late the grave mistake he had made while absentmindedly running through bids during an estate sale, skilled Sotheby’s auctioneer Malcolm Carpio accidentally sold himself for $2.5 million, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh god, what have I done?” said Carpio, who started the sale of his own person at $800,000 and took multiple bids before declaring the man in the striped shirt sitting at the back the winner. “No, no, no! Cancel that! I am not an item! Please don’t—let go of me!” At press time, Carpio had been dusted off by white-gloved attendants and packed into a crate stamped “Fragile,” and was reportedly en route to Malibu to be displayed in entertainment magnate David Geffen’s private collection.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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