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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Skilled Sotheby’s Auctioneer Accidentally Sells Self At Auction For $2.5 Million

NEW YORK—Realizing too late the grave mistake he had made while absentmindedly running through bids during an estate sale, skilled Sotheby’s auctioneer Malcolm Carpio accidentally sold himself for $2.5 million, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh god, what have I done?” said Carpio, who started the sale of his own person at $800,000 and took multiple bids before declaring the man in the striped shirt sitting at the back the winner. “No, no, no! Cancel that! I am not an item! Please don’t—let go of me!” At press time, Carpio had been dusted off by white-gloved attendants and packed into a crate stamped “Fragile,” and was reportedly en route to Malibu to be displayed in entertainment magnate David Geffen’s private collection.

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