MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Skip Bayless Signs 1-Day Contract To Be Fired By ESPN

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that he could not imagine going out in disgrace anywhere else, Skip Bayless reportedly signed a one-day contract Wednesday to be fired by ESPN. “ESPN is where I got my big break, and I’ve always considered it to be my true home, so I want to thank the network for letting me end my career here with this termination,” said Bayless, who sat next to ESPN president John Skipper while signing the contract consenting to go on a five-minute tirade slamming LeBron James as immature and wildly speculating that multiple NFL players were using performance-enhancing drugs before being summarily fired 24 hours later. “I went on some of my best rants here, and it’s truly a privilege to have one last opportunity to make an indefensible statement and offer a half-hearted apology. I always pictured myself getting fired behind an ESPN desk.” Skipper then praised Bayless after the termination, saying his baseless arguments, high-pitched screaming, and arrogant attitude had helped define ESPN for the last decade.

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