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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

Study: Anxiety Resolved By Thinking About It Real Hard

Potentially offering hope to millions of Americans struggling with psychological and emotional problems, a study published this week in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that test subjects were capable of fully resolving their anxiety by thinking ...

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Skip Bayless Signs 1-Day Contract To Be Fired By ESPN

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that he could not imagine going out in disgrace anywhere else, Skip Bayless reportedly signed a one-day contract Wednesday to be fired by ESPN. “ESPN is where I got my big break, and I’ve always considered it to be my true home, so I want to thank the network for letting me end my career here with this termination,” said Bayless, who sat next to ESPN president John Skipper while signing the contract consenting to go on a five-minute tirade slamming LeBron James as immature and wildly speculating that multiple NFL players were using performance-enhancing drugs before being summarily fired 24 hours later. “I went on some of my best rants here, and it’s truly a privilege to have one last opportunity to make an indefensible statement and offer a half-hearted apology. I always pictured myself getting fired behind an ESPN desk.” Skipper then praised Bayless after the termination, saying his baseless arguments, high-pitched screaming, and arrogant attitude had helped define ESPN for the last decade.

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