OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Skip Bayless Signs 1-Day Contract To Be Fired By ESPN

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that he could not imagine going out in disgrace anywhere else, Skip Bayless reportedly signed a one-day contract Wednesday to be fired by ESPN. “ESPN is where I got my big break, and I’ve always considered it to be my true home, so I want to thank the network for letting me end my career here with this termination,” said Bayless, who sat next to ESPN president John Skipper while signing the contract consenting to go on a five-minute tirade slamming LeBron James as immature and wildly speculating that multiple NFL players were using performance-enhancing drugs before being summarily fired 24 hours later. “I went on some of my best rants here, and it’s truly a privilege to have one last opportunity to make an indefensible statement and offer a half-hearted apology. I always pictured myself getting fired behind an ESPN desk.” Skipper then praised Bayless after the termination, saying his baseless arguments, high-pitched screaming, and arrogant attitude had helped define ESPN for the last decade.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.