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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin

CINCINNATI—Still reeling from the visceral thrill of canceling a party appearance 34 minutes before its scheduled start time, Pam Watford confirmed Saturday the breach of decorum constituted the closest she will ever come to feeling the instant, euphoric rush of injecting pure heroin into her veins. “Holy shit, that was intense,” said the 28-year-old receptionist, collapsing on her couch as adrenaline and endorphins coursed through her system from the sudden release from responsibility. “I wish I had another party to duck right now. I just want this feeling to last forever.” Health experts have warned that thrill-seeking behavior like Watford’s can lead to calling in sick to work and, in extreme cases, dropping out of wedding parties.

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