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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin

CINCINNATI—Still reeling from the visceral thrill of canceling a party appearance 34 minutes before its scheduled start time, Pam Watford confirmed Saturday the breach of decorum constituted the closest she will ever come to feeling the instant, euphoric rush of injecting pure heroin into her veins. “Holy shit, that was intense,” said the 28-year-old receptionist, collapsing on her couch as adrenaline and endorphins coursed through her system from the sudden release from responsibility. “I wish I had another party to duck right now. I just want this feeling to last forever.” Health experts have warned that thrill-seeking behavior like Watford’s can lead to calling in sick to work and, in extreme cases, dropping out of wedding parties.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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