Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin

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Vol 48 Issue 38

The Bird Sniffer

PBS 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT Ornithologist and acclaimed odor-describer Dr. Charles Wemple attempts to get a rare whiff of a freshly hatched ivory-billed woodpecker before the mother pecks the bejeezus out of his face.

Area Mom Was Waiting In The Car For 20 Minutes

LEXINGTON, MA—According to sources within the car-pool lane at Lexington High School, your mom has been waiting for you in the car for over 20 minutes, and now she’s going to be late, which is just great.

That Chair Over There

No one’s using it at the moment. Go ahead, take a seat. You can always get up if someone comes back.
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Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin

CINCINNATI—Still reeling from the visceral thrill of canceling a party appearance 34 minutes before its scheduled start time, Pam Watford confirmed Saturday the breach of decorum constituted the closest she will ever come to feeling the instant, euphoric rush of injecting pure heroin into her veins. “Holy shit, that was intense,” said the 28-year-old receptionist, collapsing on her couch as adrenaline and endorphins coursed through her system from the sudden release from responsibility. “I wish I had another party to duck right now. I just want this feeling to last forever.” Health experts have warned that thrill-seeking behavior like Watford’s can lead to calling in sick to work and, in extreme cases, dropping out of wedding parties.

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