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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Skipping Out On Friend's Birthday Party At Last Minute Closest Woman Will Ever Come To Feeling Rush Of Heroin

CINCINNATI—Still reeling from the visceral thrill of canceling a party appearance 34 minutes before its scheduled start time, Pam Watford confirmed Saturday the breach of decorum constituted the closest she will ever come to feeling the instant, euphoric rush of injecting pure heroin into her veins. “Holy shit, that was intense,” said the 28-year-old receptionist, collapsing on her couch as adrenaline and endorphins coursed through her system from the sudden release from responsibility. “I wish I had another party to duck right now. I just want this feeling to last forever.” Health experts have warned that thrill-seeking behavior like Watford’s can lead to calling in sick to work and, in extreme cases, dropping out of wedding parties.

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