Sleazy Health Insurance Covers Any Doctor's Visit They Can Watch

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Vol 45 Issue 11

Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday

CHICAGO—"I'm having a blast," said Brian Konig, unaware that work-related stress and financial responsibility will soon put a tragic end to his personal apex.

Christian Salt Introduced

After reportedly tiring of hearing chefs on television recommend kosher salt, a retired barber has introduced Blessed Christians Salt, which is sea salt blessed by an Episcopal priest. What to you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Small Business

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Sleazy Health Insurance Covers Any Doctor's Visit They Can Watch

CHICAGO—Offering low annual deductibles and negotiable premiums for college students and redheads, officials from sleazy medical insurer Vance's Health Plan announced Tuesday they would begin covering any routine check-up or medical procedure they can sit silently and watch. "VHP offer a range of choices to meet the needs of individuals, couples, two women, two men, a pair of ebon beauties, and families," president and CEO Vance Shelton said. "Even if you have a preexisting obesity condition, you can still receive full coverage. We got a guy who's into that." According to promotional brochures, the plan will also cover any generic medications that will make you loosen up and slip into this.

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