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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room

PEORIA, IL—Wildly speculating about the tantalizing pleasures awaiting just out of reach, sleepover guests at the Rudder household reportedly could only wonder Friday what mysterious delights lie tucked inside the off-limits upstairs room. “Everyone have fun, but we keep that door closed—you can’t go in there,” mother Linda Rudder said to the group of 10-year-olds, who sources confirmed listened to the warning as if in a trance, imagining all the forbidden treasures that surely must abound immediately beyond the threshold they were barred from crossing. “You guys can hang out in the living room or the basement, and you can get snacks from the kitchen whenever you want. But that door upstairs stays shut at all times, okay?” At press time, several of the sleepover guests had reportedly laid down on the floor, rested their heads on the carpet, and squinted at the thin gap under the door in hopes of catching just a glimpse of the marvels beyond.

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