adBlockCheck

Local

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room

PEORIA, IL—Wildly speculating about the tantalizing pleasures awaiting just out of reach, sleepover guests at the Rudder household reportedly could only wonder Friday what mysterious delights lie tucked inside the off-limits upstairs room. “Everyone have fun, but we keep that door closed—you can’t go in there,” mother Linda Rudder said to the group of 10-year-olds, who sources confirmed listened to the warning as if in a trance, imagining all the forbidden treasures that surely must abound immediately beyond the threshold they were barred from crossing. “You guys can hang out in the living room or the basement, and you can get snacks from the kitchen whenever you want. But that door upstairs stays shut at all times, okay?” At press time, several of the sleepover guests had reportedly laid down on the floor, rested their heads on the carpet, and squinted at the thin gap under the door in hopes of catching just a glimpse of the marvels beyond.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close