Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Sleepover Guests Can Only Wonder What Mysterious Delights Lie Tucked Inside Off-Limits Room

PEORIA, IL—Wildly speculating about the tantalizing pleasures awaiting just out of reach, sleepover guests at the Rudder household reportedly could only wonder Friday what mysterious delights lie tucked inside the off-limits upstairs room. “Everyone have fun, but we keep that door closed—you can’t go in there,” mother Linda Rudder said to the group of 10-year-olds, who sources confirmed listened to the warning as if in a trance, imagining all the forbidden treasures that surely must abound immediately beyond the threshold they were barred from crossing. “You guys can hang out in the living room or the basement, and you can get snacks from the kitchen whenever you want. But that door upstairs stays shut at all times, okay?” At press time, several of the sleepover guests had reportedly laid down on the floor, rested their heads on the carpet, and squinted at the thin gap under the door in hopes of catching just a glimpse of the marvels beyond.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.