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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Sleepover Guests Get Story Straight On What Time They Went To Bed

FREMONT, CA—Hoping to reach a consensus should the timeline of the prior evening come under scrutiny, Samantha Lu, 11, and her six sleepover guests reportedly got their story straight about when exactly they went to bed. “Okay, we watched The LEGO Batman Movie, brushed our teeth, and went to bed at 10, got it?” said Lu, telling her friends to dispose of any evidence that might suggest a post-midnight water gun fight or a Sour Skittles eating competition. “Whatever you do, don’t go blabbing about the prank calls to 7-Eleven, and definitely don’t bring up the fact we snuck out to check out that weird house down the block. As far as you’re concerned, none of that ever happened. We’ll be fine if everybody sticks to the script.” At press time, a panicking Lu was telling her parents that some of the other kids might have stayed up late to play video games even though she went to bed right on time.

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