adBlockCheck

Sports

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
End Of Section
  • More News

Slight Breeze A Major Factor In Wiffle Ball Game

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Wreaking havoc as it slowly blew across the backyard, a slight breeze reportedly played a major factor in the Harelik family’s Wiffle ball game last Sunday. “Normally Uncle Rob is good for a couple big home runs, but nothing was getting over our neighbor’s fence that day with such a gentle summer wind,” said Jordan Harelik, 14, describing the adjustments he and relatives on both teams were forced to make while attempting to bat, throw, and catch the ball through the barely discernible 2 mph east-to-west currents. “The breeze was making Aunt Susan’s pitches hook like crazy, and if she didn’t put some real heat on her throws they died before even making it to the lawn chair we used as a catcher. Tyler was running in circles just trying to catch Mom’s pop fly that kept dancing in the wind, and his drop ended up costing us two runs. It was a real mess out there.” Family members confirmed that gameplay became almost completely impossible in the fourth inning after the ball became slightly dented.

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close