Slight Inconvenience Avoided

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Vol 37 Issue 16

American Gladiator Still Insists Friends Call Him 'Turbo'

LIMA, IN–More than five years after his last appearance on the syndicated program American Gladiators, Dale "Turbo" Brandt continues to insist that friends refer to him by his on-air name. "Please," Brandt told acquaintance Lynn Crane at a dinner party Monday. "Call me Turbo." In recent years, Brandt has bought a "TURBO" vanity plate for his 1990 Honda Del Sol, placed a "Turbo" nameplate on his mailbox, and attempted to make restaurant reservations under the name "Turbo."

Maxim Skimmed

DALLAS–A copy of Maxim magazine was skimmed Monday by subscriber Steve Reiger, who briefly flipped through the May issue before tossing it onto the floor near his bed. "I glanced at the thing about Buffy bad girl Eliza Dushku and read a little of the interview with the guy from Korn," Reiger said. "They also had something about motorcycles I caught a little of and this thing called '100 Things To Do Before You Die.' I think there was also something about that new Mummy movie, but it may have been an ad." Reiger looks forward to skimming the May issues of FHM and Men's Health when they arrive.

Trucking Industry Honors Methamphetamines

KANSAS CITY–At its national convention Monday, the National Trucking Association bestowed its highest honor on methamphetamines. "Methamphetamines, you are the substance that keeps our nation's truckers 'speed'-ing along to their appointed destinations," NTA president Larry Herrick said. "Without you, American trucking would not be the world leader it is today." Herrick then downed a fistful of pills and climbed into a rig, saying he had to be in Fresno, CA, by sun-up.

Asian Man Has Thing For Asian Women

TOKYO–Shoji Furukawa, a 33-year-old Tokyo man, confessed Monday to a fetish for Asian women. "For some reason, as long as I can remember, I've always been into Asian chicks," Furukawa said. "I don't know what it is about them, but they just totally do it for me." Furukawa said the preference may be a familial trait, noting, "My dad was really into Asian girls, too."

First-Grade Teacher Apprehends Urinator

NEWARK, DE–The mysterious Coat Room Urinator, who for weeks terrorized Mrs. Collinsworth's first-grade class at Lakeview Elementary School, was brought to justice Monday, when student Danny Culver was caught in the act of voiding his bladder by the lost-and-found box. "The elusive urine fiend has been apprehended and will be dealt with accordingly," Collinsworth said. "We as a class no longer have to live in constant fear of discovering a warm puddle by the Simba cutouts along the back wall." Culver is being held without bail in his room at 294 Maplewood Drive after being released to the custody of his parents.

W's First Hundred Days

On Monday, George W. Bush reached the 100-day mark of his presidency. What do you think of the job he's done so far?
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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

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Slight Inconvenience Avoided

ST. LOUIS–Area resident Jim Shaffer avoided slight inconvenience Monday, thanks to Jhirmack's new "upside-down" shampoo bottle. "If I'd been using a traditional shampoo bottle, I'd have had to turn the thing over and shake it when it started to run low," Shaffer said. "But, with the Jhirmack bottle, the shampoo collects at the bottom, making shaking unnecessary." Shaffer plans to use the time saved by the shampoo to "catch up on [his] reading."

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