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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Slight Inconvenience Avoided

ST. LOUIS–Area resident Jim Shaffer avoided slight inconvenience Monday, thanks to Jhirmack's new "upside-down" shampoo bottle. "If I'd been using a traditional shampoo bottle, I'd have had to turn the thing over and shake it when it started to run low," Shaffer said. "But, with the Jhirmack bottle, the shampoo collects at the bottom, making shaking unnecessary." Shaffer plans to use the time saved by the shampoo to "catch up on [his] reading."

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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