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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Slightly Larger Chair Shifts Delicate Balance Of Office Power

OXNARD, CA—The highly complex intra-office power dynamic at the accounting firm of Adams, Fitzhugh & Associates shifted dramatically Tuesday, when a $229 Futura EZ-Roll office chair was delivered to the cubicle of Henry Rozema. The deluxe new chair, ordered to replace a broken one, stands a full two inches higher than that of co-worker Bill Kraft and, unlike Kraft's chair, features such options as a fingertip-controlled pneumatic height adjuster, customized swivel/tilt controls, a five-blade base with dual-wheel casters, and a leather-upholstered ergonomic backrest. "This radically alters the elaborate, ongoing power struggle between Henry and Bill," office manager Brenda Rutt said. "As partner Willard Haines' retirement draws ever closer, Henry and Bill's desire to replace him only grows stronger, and this striking, option-packed piece of office furniture gives Henry a substantial psychological edge."

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