Slightly Upset Woman Declared Insane

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Vol 36 Issue 19

Overweight Man To Lose Weight If He Gets Really Overweight

CARROLTON, OH–Area resident David Schuitt, who at 250 pounds is approximately 70 pounds overweight, announced Monday that he will go on a diet if he gains much more weight. "I'm definitely fat, no doubt about it," Schuitt said. "But I'm not quite at that point where I'm so obese, I look disgusting." Schuitt has also vowed to take out a bill-consolidation loan if his debts hit $15,000.

Awestruck Video-Game Fan Describes Brush With PlayStation 2

UPPER DARBY, PA–Trembling in an ecstatic, quasi-religious state of rapture, video-game enthusiast Josh Eigert, 23, spent nearly 40 minutes Monday describing his encounter with Sony's forthcoming PlayStation 2 game console. "I was over at the Video Game X-change yesterday, and Bob, the owner-guy, had one behind the counter that he picked up in Japan," Eigert told friend Rich Busse. "I begged him, and he hooked it up and let me play Tekken Tag for a few minutes. It was fucking unbelievable, like a movie." Eigert told Busse that the store owner also claimed to have a copy of Onimusha: The Demon Warrior but "refused to show it under any circumstances."

Nothing Going Right For Area Surgeon Today

NEW YORK–Dr. Sidney Kramer, chief of cardiac surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital, is having "one of those days," he confided to a colleague Monday. "I don't know if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or what, but I've been Mr. Butterfingers today," Kramer, 51, told anesthesiologist Allan Chang following "the heart transplant from hell." "Somebody shoulda locked up those scalpels and hid the key from me. Yikes. Oh, well, guess there's always tomorrow."

TV Executive Claims To Be Looking For Edgy

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Michael Wilhoyte, NBC's vice-president of programming, made the specious claim Monday that he is seeking "edgy, push-the-envelope new sitcoms" for the network. "What we want are things that will shake up viewers and really defy their expectations," Wilhoyte told Daily Variety TV reporter Naomi Berger. "We want shows that have a jarring, not-in-Kansas-anymore effect on the audience. Not your grandmother's sitcom, if you will." Three hours later, Wilhoyte approved a seven-figure development deal for a sitcom pitched as "Friends, but in Los Angeles."

Atheist Swayed By Claymation Story Of Christ

GRAND ISLAND, NE–Atheist Marcia Prewitt was converted to a life of devotion to the Lord following Sunday's viewing of the claymation movie The Miracle Maker. "I'd heard a lot of preaching and teaching about Christ throughout my life," Prewitt said, "but it took a clay-animated, Ralph Fiennes-voiced portrayal of Jesus to make me realize just how good and how wonderful He really is. I just wish everyone with confusion and strife in their heart could discover the healing truths of this cartoon."

Britney's Back

Millions of teenagers converged on the nation's record stores May 16 for the release of Oops!... I Did It Again, pop superstar Britney Spear's second album. What are the reasons for the fan frenzy?

Rudy Drops Out

Last Friday, Rudolph Giuliani shook up the New York Senate race when he announced that he would not run against Hillary Clinton due to his recently diagnosed prostate cancer. What do you think about the decision?

A Drama In Three Acts

To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third and most ambitious effort to date, The Syphilis-Crazed Young Norwegian Man.
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Slightly Upset Woman Declared Insane

NORTH CALDWELL, NJ–Area resident Gayle Wenzel, 44, was declared legally insane Monday after becoming upset over a living-room mess caused by her husband Milt's Friday-night get-together with friends.

The hospital to which Gayle Wenzel (inset) was admitted Monday after becoming hysterical.

"Apparently, Gayle came home after being gone all weekend, saw the condition of the living room, and just completely lost it," said Dr. Marvin Schaffer, director of hysteriatrics at St. Joseph's Hospital in nearby Montclair. "This is clearly a clinically psychotic individual who has no grip on reality and no control over her own actions or emotions. You know how women get."

Wenzel, who insists that she was "only mad for about two minutes," is currently under 24-hour watch at St. Joseph's.

According to Milt, on Sunday evening, Gayle returned home after spending four days in Kansas City helping her sister recover from back surgery. Upon entering the living room, she found empty beer cans scattered across the floor, an ashtray overturned on the rug, and a pile of dirty dishes on the end table next to the couch.

"Gayle asked me what happened. I told her that some of the guys came over Friday night, but that I didn't clean up because I couldn't find the vacuum cleaner," Milt said. "That's when she went nuts."

"You left that mess for me to clean up. You had zero intention of ever doing it yourself, Milt," Wenzel reportedly yelled like a lunatic. "Well, I'm not touching it. I've spent the entire day in airports, and I have to be up for work at 6 a.m. tomorrow. You clean it."

Milt said that all of his many attempts to make his psychotic wife listen to reason failed.

"Gayle was out of her mind," Milt said. "I was pleading with her, 'Honey, calm down. What's the big deal? You're acting insane. Get it together.' But she just kept freaking out."

Twenty minutes later, after putting her bags away and showering, Wenzel went back downstairs to discover a team of emergency medical technicians and crisis-intervention counselors waiting for her. After placing Wenzel in restraints and rushing her to St. Joseph's Hospital, doctors were able to administer a strong sedative.

"I had to do something to ensure that Gayle wouldn't harm herself or others," said Dr. Gilbert Perry, who handled Wenzel's hospital admission. "Gayle was out of her mind. I mean, come on, a few beer cans lying around and she completely goes off the deep end? As soon as I learned that the outburst was not menstruation-related, as I'd initially assumed, I ordered her hospitalized. I couldn't let an unbalanced, over-emotional woman like that out on the streets."

Wenzel has allegedly had a long history of out-of-control behavior, particularly at work. According to coworkers, she has reacted irrationally to everything from having to work weekends to having her assigned parking spot taken away.

"Last week, I made a little friendly joke about the dark hair on Gayle's upper lip by calling her Tom Selleck," said Stuart Runnels, a fellow claims processor at Mid-American Insurance. "You should've seen her flip out. I was just kidding around, but she gets all deranged and says, 'I really don't think that was very funny at all, Stan. I don't make fun of your personal appearance.'"

Runnels said he responded by making cuckoo noises and backing away from Wenzel with an exaggerated look of fright.

"What can I say?" Runnels said. "She's crazy."

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