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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Slovenian 8th-Graders Surprised Even They Outperformed U.S. Students In Science

LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-grade students from Slovenia, had outperformed their American counterparts on science achievement exams. “I mean, I know they’re in desperate need of education reform over there, but those guys ranked four spots below a country where the average income is half what it is in the United States,” said the flabbergasted pupil, noting that Slovenia’s national education budget of $2.8 billion in funding for every single basic primary, secondary, and tertiary institution was enough to buy “maybe three microscopes.” “I understand the global recession has taken a toll on American education as much as anywhere else, but I live in an Eastern European nation that barely existed 20 years ago. And yet we manage to beat a nation with the highest GDP in the world? Pretty weird, right?” Rogelj said that despite America’s shortcomings in education, he was hoping to go there for college one day.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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