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Slow-Motion Woman Emerges Glistening From Pool

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Slow-Motion Woman Emerges Glistening From Pool

LOS ANGELES–An unidentified woman in her early 20s emerged from a large, backlit swimming pool at approximately one-third normal speed Monday. According to witnesses, the woman, accompanied by sultry saxophone music, began emerging from the pool at sunset with incandescent pool lights highlighting the droplets of water running down her lithe frame. Upon exiting, the woman reportedly closed her eyes and slowly leaned her head back in preparation for toweling-off procedures.

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