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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Slow-Thinking Bystander Weighing Pros And Cons Of Pulling Man Out Of River

LA CROSSE, WI—Proceeding with great deliberation, bystander Albert Preston carefully considered every possible option Thursday while attempting to discern the best way to respond to the plight of a man who appeared to be drowning in the nearby Black River. "Hold on!" Preston yelled out after thoroughly reviewing the steps of CPR, using landmarks on the shore to estimate the speed at which the current was violently rushing the victim downstream, and performing an honest self-evaluation of his own skill as a swimmer. "How much would you say you weigh?" At press time, Preston was calculating which of five available branches, if any, would be both long enough to reach the drowning man and strong enough not to break during an attempt to pull him to safety, as well as considering what he might say to the man after rescuing him.

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