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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Slow-Thinking Bystander Weighing Pros And Cons Of Pulling Man Out Of River

LA CROSSE, WI—Proceeding with great deliberation, bystander Albert Preston carefully considered every possible option Thursday while attempting to discern the best way to respond to the plight of a man who appeared to be drowning in the nearby Black River. "Hold on!" Preston yelled out after thoroughly reviewing the steps of CPR, using landmarks on the shore to estimate the speed at which the current was violently rushing the victim downstream, and performing an honest self-evaluation of his own skill as a swimmer. "How much would you say you weigh?" At press time, Preston was calculating which of five available branches, if any, would be both long enough to reach the drowning man and strong enough not to break during an attempt to pull him to safety, as well as considering what he might say to the man after rescuing him.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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