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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader

HAMPTON, VA—A late-night slumber-party confession has come back to haunt Jessica Casper, the betrayed and humiliated 10-year-old reported Monday.

Jessica Casper, who deeply regrets admitting to having a crush on Kevin Pflug.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe they told the whole school I like him," said a visibly shaken Casper, who admitted liking fourth-grader Kevin Pflug at Amber Prentiss' Friday-night slumber party. "When I went past him at lunch today, he was looking at me really weird. Brianna [Benning] told me everybody in the whole school knows."

Added Casper: "My life is over."

Unbeknownst to her, Casper was invited to the slumber party of the prettier, more popular Prentiss only because the two girls' mothers are close friends. The invitation, Prentiss stressed, was extended to Casper under extreme duress.

"Mom said if I didn't invite Jessica, I couldn't have the party," Prentiss said. "I was like, 'Mom, Jessica and I haven't been friends since second grade!' but she wouldn't listen. I couldn't tell her that nobody's friends with Jessica anymore because she's such a dork. It's embarrassing enough that everybody knows we used to be friends, but then I had to actually have her at my sleepover."

The confession, sources say, came at approximately 11:50 p.m. during a game of Truth Or Dare. Though hesitant to choose Truth because of her "super-secret crush that [she's] never told anyone about," Casper was even more reluctant to do a Dare.

"The first time I said Dare, Karen [Mullroy] dared me to hop around the room saying, 'I love Coach Snider,' who is our totally gross gym teacher," said Casper, who reacted to the slumber-party invitation with a mixture of surprise, anxiety, and excitement. "It was so humiliating."

Anxious to avoid a repeat of the Coach Snider debacle, Casper chose Truth on her next turn. When Prentiss asked her who she liked, Casper briefly considered naming Jeffrey Trenton, who is not a part of the girls' immediate social circle and would not have been as risky a response as Pflug. Instead, Casper, overcome by a newfound sense of camaraderie with her more popular sleepover-mates, named Pflug.

"They were all like, 'Oooh, you like Kevin!" Casper said. "But they didn't say he'd never go out with me. So I thought maybe they thought he would. But then on Monday, everything came out."

Dr. Lorianne Pritchard, a developmental psychiatrist specializing in pre-adolescent girls, said Casper's willingness to confess is understandable.

"When one is put into a more relaxed state of mind, whether from alcohol or too many chocolate-chip bars, your inhibitions are lowered," Pritchard said. "But while inhibitions can be bad, in certain situations they should be viewed as an ally—especially when dealing with a big-mouth like Amber Prentiss. The less said around her, the better."

Though the full ramifications of her confession are not yet known, Casper said she no longer has a crush on Pflug, whom she describes as "mean." She has also vowed never to speak to or acknowledge Prentiss or "any of her stuck-up friends" again.

And while she doesn't expect the humiliation and taunting ever to die down, Casper has decided to stay at Lakeview Elementary School and not transfer to a school in Alaska.

"If I went to Alaska, then Amber and her stuck-up friends would win," Casper said. "I figure if I can just make it to junior high, everything will be all right. Everyone will be so much more mature there."

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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