Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader

Top Headlines

Local

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Originality

Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader

HAMPTON, VA—A late-night slumber-party confession has come back to haunt Jessica Casper, the betrayed and humiliated 10-year-old reported Monday.

Jessica Casper, who deeply regrets admitting to having a crush on Kevin Pflug.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe they told the whole school I like him," said a visibly shaken Casper, who admitted liking fourth-grader Kevin Pflug at Amber Prentiss' Friday-night slumber party. "When I went past him at lunch today, he was looking at me really weird. Brianna [Benning] told me everybody in the whole school knows."

Added Casper: "My life is over."

Unbeknownst to her, Casper was invited to the slumber party of the prettier, more popular Prentiss only because the two girls' mothers are close friends. The invitation, Prentiss stressed, was extended to Casper under extreme duress.

"Mom said if I didn't invite Jessica, I couldn't have the party," Prentiss said. "I was like, 'Mom, Jessica and I haven't been friends since second grade!' but she wouldn't listen. I couldn't tell her that nobody's friends with Jessica anymore because she's such a dork. It's embarrassing enough that everybody knows we used to be friends, but then I had to actually have her at my sleepover."

The confession, sources say, came at approximately 11:50 p.m. during a game of Truth Or Dare. Though hesitant to choose Truth because of her "super-secret crush that [she's] never told anyone about," Casper was even more reluctant to do a Dare.

"The first time I said Dare, Karen [Mullroy] dared me to hop around the room saying, 'I love Coach Snider,' who is our totally gross gym teacher," said Casper, who reacted to the slumber-party invitation with a mixture of surprise, anxiety, and excitement. "It was so humiliating."

Anxious to avoid a repeat of the Coach Snider debacle, Casper chose Truth on her next turn. When Prentiss asked her who she liked, Casper briefly considered naming Jeffrey Trenton, who is not a part of the girls' immediate social circle and would not have been as risky a response as Pflug. Instead, Casper, overcome by a newfound sense of camaraderie with her more popular sleepover-mates, named Pflug.

"They were all like, 'Oooh, you like Kevin!" Casper said. "But they didn't say he'd never go out with me. So I thought maybe they thought he would. But then on Monday, everything came out."

Dr. Lorianne Pritchard, a developmental psychiatrist specializing in pre-adolescent girls, said Casper's willingness to confess is understandable.

"When one is put into a more relaxed state of mind, whether from alcohol or too many chocolate-chip bars, your inhibitions are lowered," Pritchard said. "But while inhibitions can be bad, in certain situations they should be viewed as an ally—especially when dealing with a big-mouth like Amber Prentiss. The less said around her, the better."

Though the full ramifications of her confession are not yet known, Casper said she no longer has a crush on Pflug, whom she describes as "mean." She has also vowed never to speak to or acknowledge Prentiss or "any of her stuck-up friends" again.

And while she doesn't expect the humiliation and taunting ever to die down, Casper has decided to stay at Lakeview Elementary School and not transfer to a school in Alaska.

"If I went to Alaska, then Amber and her stuck-up friends would win," Casper said. "I figure if I can just make it to junior high, everything will be all right. Everyone will be so much more mature there."

Next Story