Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader

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Vol 38 Issue 16

Correct Theory Discarded In Favor Of More Exciting Theory

GRETNA, NE— The correct theory regarding the closing of Marvin's Diner was discarded Monday in favor of a far more exciting theory. "I bet the Omaha mafia muscled them out," said Gretna resident Lucinda Dunfee, pondering the fate of Marvin's Diner, which was shut down due to health-code violations. "They were taking business away from Steak Barrel, and those guys don't care who they get mixed up with." Dunfee noted that the restaurant's trash cans were often overturned during the night, which was likely an act of intimidation on the part of the Omaha crime syndicate.

Paul Lynde Impersonation Lost On Daughter's Friends

WAKEFIELD, MA— Sarah Ammons, 14, expressed befuddlement Monday, when, during a ride to school, her father attempted to entertain her and several friends with an impromptu impersonation of late comedian and Hollywood Squares regular Paul Lynde. "The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy!" Bob Ammons, 41, bleated nasally in an imitation of the once-popular pop-culture reference. "Paul Lynde." Added Ammons: "Center square, usually sat between George Gobel and Rose Marie? Voice of Templeton the rat?" After dropping the girls off at school, Ammons stared into his car's rear-view mirror at the crow's feet developing around his eyes.

TV Guide Channel Tops Nielsens

LOS ANGELES— For the 11th straight week, the TV Guide Channel topped the Nielsen ratings, scoring blockbuster numbers in virtually all time slots and days of the week. "The frustrating experience of trying to find something decent on TV has meant ratings gold for the TV Guide Channel, Variety editor Peter Bart said. "By providing a means to search for something—anything—worth watching, this 24-hour electronic scroll has made itself America's most-watched channel."

Secretary Of Agriculture Gently Reminded About Dress Code

WASHINGTON, DC— After attending Monday's Cabinet meeting in a flannel work shirt and tattered jeans, Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman was gently reminded by President Bush about the executive-branch dress code. "Say, you know, we get a lot of foreign dignitaries coming through here," Bush told Veneman. "So I think it might be a good idea if you had a little bit more of a professional appearance. Like maybe a nice navy-blue dress." Bush also encouraged Veneman to consider dress shoes instead of her usual steel-toe work boots.

Car Salesman Three Desks Over Going On And On About Chick He Banged Last Night

VIENNA, VA— The sales associate three desks over from Chevy/Geo dealer Karl Glodek is going on and on about the chick he banged last night, sources reported Monday. "You would not believe the stamina on this chick. Hours. She was a total freak," the salesman told an unnamed friend over the phone, as well as Glodek and the couple about to sign on a 2002 Chevy Prizm sedan. "Incredible rack, too—like, out to here." Glodek then suggested the couple go outside for "one more look at that beaut of a Prizm."

The Robert Blake Murder Case

Arrested nearly a year after his wife was fatally shot, actor Robert Blake is pleading not guilty to murder charges. What do you think?

Little Chelsea Clinton Is All Grown Up And Glamorous!

Item! Remember Chelsea Clinton? Wasn't it nice to have a presidential daughter who wasn't posing for Playboy or getting drunk? Instead, she was her own sweet self, full of flowers and sunshine, bringing cheer to everyone she met. Now, she's all grown up and glamorous, thanks to an expensive European makeover. It's nice to see Chelsea with her hair straightened sitting next to the likes of Gwenneth Paltrow and Madonna at Italian fashion shows. Can acting be too far off in her future? Keeping my fingers crossed...
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Slumber-Party Confession Comes Back To Haunt Fourth Grader

HAMPTON, VA—A late-night slumber-party confession has come back to haunt Jessica Casper, the betrayed and humiliated 10-year-old reported Monday.

Jessica Casper, who deeply regrets admitting to having a crush on Kevin Pflug.

"Oh, my God, I can't believe they told the whole school I like him," said a visibly shaken Casper, who admitted liking fourth-grader Kevin Pflug at Amber Prentiss' Friday-night slumber party. "When I went past him at lunch today, he was looking at me really weird. Brianna [Benning] told me everybody in the whole school knows."

Added Casper: "My life is over."

Unbeknownst to her, Casper was invited to the slumber party of the prettier, more popular Prentiss only because the two girls' mothers are close friends. The invitation, Prentiss stressed, was extended to Casper under extreme duress.

"Mom said if I didn't invite Jessica, I couldn't have the party," Prentiss said. "I was like, 'Mom, Jessica and I haven't been friends since second grade!' but she wouldn't listen. I couldn't tell her that nobody's friends with Jessica anymore because she's such a dork. It's embarrassing enough that everybody knows we used to be friends, but then I had to actually have her at my sleepover."

The confession, sources say, came at approximately 11:50 p.m. during a game of Truth Or Dare. Though hesitant to choose Truth because of her "super-secret crush that [she's] never told anyone about," Casper was even more reluctant to do a Dare.

"The first time I said Dare, Karen [Mullroy] dared me to hop around the room saying, 'I love Coach Snider,' who is our totally gross gym teacher," said Casper, who reacted to the slumber-party invitation with a mixture of surprise, anxiety, and excitement. "It was so humiliating."

Anxious to avoid a repeat of the Coach Snider debacle, Casper chose Truth on her next turn. When Prentiss asked her who she liked, Casper briefly considered naming Jeffrey Trenton, who is not a part of the girls' immediate social circle and would not have been as risky a response as Pflug. Instead, Casper, overcome by a newfound sense of camaraderie with her more popular sleepover-mates, named Pflug.

"They were all like, 'Oooh, you like Kevin!" Casper said. "But they didn't say he'd never go out with me. So I thought maybe they thought he would. But then on Monday, everything came out."

Dr. Lorianne Pritchard, a developmental psychiatrist specializing in pre-adolescent girls, said Casper's willingness to confess is understandable.

"When one is put into a more relaxed state of mind, whether from alcohol or too many chocolate-chip bars, your inhibitions are lowered," Pritchard said. "But while inhibitions can be bad, in certain situations they should be viewed as an ally—especially when dealing with a big-mouth like Amber Prentiss. The less said around her, the better."

Though the full ramifications of her confession are not yet known, Casper said she no longer has a crush on Pflug, whom she describes as "mean." She has also vowed never to speak to or acknowledge Prentiss or "any of her stuck-up friends" again.

And while she doesn't expect the humiliation and taunting ever to die down, Casper has decided to stay at Lakeview Elementary School and not transfer to a school in Alaska.

"If I went to Alaska, then Amber and her stuck-up friends would win," Casper said. "I figure if I can just make it to junior high, everything will be all right. Everyone will be so much more mature there."

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