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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Small Change In Procedure Wendy's Manager's Crowning Achievement

MERIDIAN, ID—Manager Duane Robert's 12-year career at Wendy's climaxed in a moment of triumph Tuesday, when his longtime condiment policy limiting the number of barbecue-sauce packets handed out to customers was given an official entry in the Florence Street franchise's employee manual.

"For years I've been saying three packs of BBQ sauce was too much," said Robert, standing proudly beside the salad bar in his freshly pressed yellow uniform. "People would just throw out the third one or whip it at cars in the parking lot.

But when I saw my words immortalized in print, right between the policy about tying up long hair and the procedure for changing the grease trap, I knew that my dream had been realized." Impressed employees said Robert's decisive course of action would forever change how things are handed out at the drive-thru window area.

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