adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Small Change In Procedure Wendy's Manager's Crowning Achievement

MERIDIAN, ID—Manager Duane Robert's 12-year career at Wendy's climaxed in a moment of triumph Tuesday, when his longtime condiment policy limiting the number of barbecue-sauce packets handed out to customers was given an official entry in the Florence Street franchise's employee manual.

"For years I've been saying three packs of BBQ sauce was too much," said Robert, standing proudly beside the salad bar in his freshly pressed yellow uniform. "People would just throw out the third one or whip it at cars in the parking lot.

But when I saw my words immortalized in print, right between the policy about tying up long hair and the procedure for changing the grease trap, I knew that my dream had been realized." Impressed employees said Robert's decisive course of action would forever change how things are handed out at the drive-thru window area.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close