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Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World

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Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

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DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

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Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World

NEW YORK—Cynics often say that one man can't make a difference in a huge and complicated world. But this week in New York, a few tremendously rich and powerful men have given those naysayers reason to reconsider their views. At the Republican National Convention, which concludes Thursday, a handful of dedicated men will change the world.

An oil magnate from Texas (right) makes a difference at the Republican National Convention.

RNC attendee Stewart Malmough is unremarkable at first glance. His name rarely appears in print—outside of the occasional Forbes 100 list—and his face isn't one many citizens would recognize. But he wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm not looking for glory and acclaim," Malmough said, his face a study in optimism and resolve. "I just care about this land, and how much of it my children and their children's children will own."

Malmough isn't afraid of hard work. Just last year, he spent countless hours making a covert, trillion-dollar deal among the six major petroleum-producing nations to keep prices and supplies fixed to an optimum standard.

"One must not doubt the ability of a few dedicated wealthy people to alter the course of history," the billionaire said. "Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

Malmough may be one of the few remaining U.S. citizens who truly believe in the American dream.

"The dream of success is available to all of us," Malmough said, the light of belief shining in his eyes. "Americans must not lose sight of that."

Malmough is not alone. There are several men like him working, often at the expense of free time and family, for change in the fields of international finance, arms manufacturing, and communications infrastructure. Usually, they work separately, save for the occasional conference call. But, once every four years, this group of driven individuals gathers to dictate the course of American politics.

"The Republican Party has always been blessed with idealists," Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said Monday. "But really, it's a handful of discreet men behind the scenes who drive our party. Whether self-made corporate moguls, inheritors of vast familial wealth, or heirs to decades-old political dynasties, these men and the effects of their contributions cannot be underestimated. They make this world what it is."

Added Gillespie: "God bless America."

Andre Colbert-McIntyre is a French-born jet-setter who currently holds triple citizenship, a controlling interest in the multinational Brehmar Investment GMbH, and some concrete ideas about globalization. This stalwart man was lucky enough to share breakfast with Vice-President Dick Cheney Monday.

"It's important for our little group to make its voice heard by politicians," Colbert-McIntyre said. "If we don't tell the Washington bigwigs to relax labor rights and environmental protections in developing nations, who will?"

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