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Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World

NEW YORK—Cynics often say that one man can't make a difference in a huge and complicated world. But this week in New York, a few tremendously rich and powerful men have given those naysayers reason to reconsider their views. At the Republican National Convention, which concludes Thursday, a handful of dedicated men will change the world.

An oil magnate from Texas (right) makes a difference at the Republican National Convention.

RNC attendee Stewart Malmough is unremarkable at first glance. His name rarely appears in print—outside of the occasional Forbes 100 list—and his face isn't one many citizens would recognize. But he wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm not looking for glory and acclaim," Malmough said, his face a study in optimism and resolve. "I just care about this land, and how much of it my children and their children's children will own."

Malmough isn't afraid of hard work. Just last year, he spent countless hours making a covert, trillion-dollar deal among the six major petroleum-producing nations to keep prices and supplies fixed to an optimum standard.

"One must not doubt the ability of a few dedicated wealthy people to alter the course of history," the billionaire said. "Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

Malmough may be one of the few remaining U.S. citizens who truly believe in the American dream.

"The dream of success is available to all of us," Malmough said, the light of belief shining in his eyes. "Americans must not lose sight of that."

Malmough is not alone. There are several men like him working, often at the expense of free time and family, for change in the fields of international finance, arms manufacturing, and communications infrastructure. Usually, they work separately, save for the occasional conference call. But, once every four years, this group of driven individuals gathers to dictate the course of American politics.

"The Republican Party has always been blessed with idealists," Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said Monday. "But really, it's a handful of discreet men behind the scenes who drive our party. Whether self-made corporate moguls, inheritors of vast familial wealth, or heirs to decades-old political dynasties, these men and the effects of their contributions cannot be underestimated. They make this world what it is."

Added Gillespie: "God bless America."

Andre Colbert-McIntyre is a French-born jet-setter who currently holds triple citizenship, a controlling interest in the multinational Brehmar Investment GMbH, and some concrete ideas about globalization. This stalwart man was lucky enough to share breakfast with Vice-President Dick Cheney Monday.

"It's important for our little group to make its voice heard by politicians," Colbert-McIntyre said. "If we don't tell the Washington bigwigs to relax labor rights and environmental protections in developing nations, who will?"

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