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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Small Group Of Dedicated Rich People Change The World

NEW YORK—Cynics often say that one man can't make a difference in a huge and complicated world. But this week in New York, a few tremendously rich and powerful men have given those naysayers reason to reconsider their views. At the Republican National Convention, which concludes Thursday, a handful of dedicated men will change the world.

An oil magnate from Texas (right) makes a difference at the Republican National Convention.

RNC attendee Stewart Malmough is unremarkable at first glance. His name rarely appears in print—outside of the occasional Forbes 100 list—and his face isn't one many citizens would recognize. But he wouldn't have it any other way.

"I'm not looking for glory and acclaim," Malmough said, his face a study in optimism and resolve. "I just care about this land, and how much of it my children and their children's children will own."

Malmough isn't afraid of hard work. Just last year, he spent countless hours making a covert, trillion-dollar deal among the six major petroleum-producing nations to keep prices and supplies fixed to an optimum standard.

"One must not doubt the ability of a few dedicated wealthy people to alter the course of history," the billionaire said. "Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."

Malmough may be one of the few remaining U.S. citizens who truly believe in the American dream.

"The dream of success is available to all of us," Malmough said, the light of belief shining in his eyes. "Americans must not lose sight of that."

Malmough is not alone. There are several men like him working, often at the expense of free time and family, for change in the fields of international finance, arms manufacturing, and communications infrastructure. Usually, they work separately, save for the occasional conference call. But, once every four years, this group of driven individuals gathers to dictate the course of American politics.

"The Republican Party has always been blessed with idealists," Republican National Committee chairman Ed Gillespie said Monday. "But really, it's a handful of discreet men behind the scenes who drive our party. Whether self-made corporate moguls, inheritors of vast familial wealth, or heirs to decades-old political dynasties, these men and the effects of their contributions cannot be underestimated. They make this world what it is."

Added Gillespie: "God bless America."

Andre Colbert-McIntyre is a French-born jet-setter who currently holds triple citizenship, a controlling interest in the multinational Brehmar Investment GMbH, and some concrete ideas about globalization. This stalwart man was lucky enough to share breakfast with Vice-President Dick Cheney Monday.

"It's important for our little group to make its voice heard by politicians," Colbert-McIntyre said. "If we don't tell the Washington bigwigs to relax labor rights and environmental protections in developing nations, who will?"

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