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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Small-Town Residents Come Together For Arby's Raising

BUFORD, PA—Buford's 322 residents, as well as many citizens of surrounding towns, came together over the weekend for a good old-fashioned Arby's raising. "People came from as far away as Lancaster to pitch in," said local delivery-truck driver Jonathan Beckman, 44. "It was a real team effort: Me, Zachary Fordice, and Eli White poured the foundation while old Benjamin Wetzel built the prep-tables, and the womenfolk installed the booths' vinyl seat covers." Beckman said his wife Maryellen "can't wait" to whip up a fresh homemade batch of Arby's famous Horsey Sauce.

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