ARIES: Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
VINCENNES, IN—Viewers of the 78th Academy Awards report that the event was ruined by the unknown smart aleck who served as the master of ceremonies. "I’m disappointed they couldn’t get a name," said 68-year-old retiree Louise Bloedorn, who said her enjoyment of the Oscars was marred by confusion and a vague feeling that the host was somehow mocking the event. "That new fellow will not go far in show business—or any business—if he doesn’t learn to show respect for the stars." A Bloomington Herald-Times poll of viewers showed a strong preference for bringing back "the guy from City Slickers."