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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Smart Stock-Market Investing

Smart Stock-Market Investing

  • Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
  • Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
  • When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
  • Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
  • Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
  • Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother.
  • Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
  • Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPOs, often with incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public: The West End Valu-Shopper, The Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and www.geocities.com/chadspage/favekornpics.html.
  • Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
  • Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
  • If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
  • Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
  • Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
  • Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
  • When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

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