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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
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Smart Stock-Market Investing

Smart Stock-Market Investing

  • Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
  • Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
  • When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
  • Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
  • Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
  • Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother.
  • Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
  • Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPOs, often with incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public: The West End Valu-Shopper, The Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and www.geocities.com/chadspage/favekornpics.html.
  • Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
  • Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
  • If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
  • Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
  • Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
  • Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
  • When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

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