adBlockCheck

Smart Stock-Market Investing

Top Headlines

Recent News

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Smart Stock-Market Investing

Smart Stock-Market Investing

  • Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
  • Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
  • When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
  • Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
  • Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
  • Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother.
  • Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
  • Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPOs, often with incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public: The West End Valu-Shopper, The Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and www.geocities.com/chadspage/favekornpics.html.
  • Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
  • Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
  • If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
  • Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
  • Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
  • Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
  • When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close