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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Smart Stock-Market Investing

Smart Stock-Market Investing

  • Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
  • Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
  • When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
  • Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
  • Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
  • Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother.
  • Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
  • Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPOs, often with incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public: The West End Valu-Shopper, The Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and www.geocities.com/chadspage/favekornpics.html.
  • Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
  • Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
  • If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
  • Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
  • Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
  • Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
  • When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.

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